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Little White Lies………..

 

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I don’t want to come over because….I just don’t want to come over.  I want to stay home and be alone. It’s not you, its anyone. I like my own company. I can think.  I can unwind.   “I’d love to come over but I have to work/go to a birthday party/etc”

 

I don’t want to go to the club/bar because I hate loud music and crowds. I don’t like cigarette smoke. I don’t like to drink. I don’t like drunk men talking to me and I don’t like drunk women talking extremely loud and wobbling, because they have had a few drinks and feel “good”.  I want to stay home, or go for a walk, or read a book and blog. I want to be alone, and do something quiet.   I will force myself to go, I may even have a good time, for a little bit, but I am ready to go home now. I was social now I want to go home. Please.

 

Please turn the radio down! I hate loud music. I feel like an outcast because loud music is “fun, cool, hip” but I hate it. It hurts. I can’t focus or concentrate or hear myself think. Please turn it down.  “Oh yeah I love this song too!!”

 

I think you are wrong. I think your decision is stupid. I would not do it and I do not see any good coming out of it.  (((((“Silence”)))))

 

Its Friday. I worked all week with small children that sucked every bit of life out of me.  They need help going to the bathroom, they need help eating, they need help packing up, they need help writing their name, they need help calming down, they need help remembering our rules, the need help……..their families need help, they are stressed, they are drained, they want someone to help them, I have to email them or call them or research some stuff for them, I want to help. I WANT TO STAY HOME. I am not depressed. I am not anti social. I am not mad at you. I just want to stay home. My head hurts. I’m tired. I know how hard it is…………”Friday, yay! Sure I’ll go out for a drink, it is Friday, the weekend! Wooo”

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I don’t want to.  “Ok”

 

I just had a manicure and pedicure, alone….because I do not want anyone to know. I am ashamed. Do I deserve it? So many people work hard and can not afford or would not splurge on this. Here I am getting a manicure and pedicure just because. I don’t even have a function to go to!   “Oh I did my nails by myself”

 

I just ate a cheeseburger OMG. I am not special anymore.  Diana does NOT eat cheeseburgers. She likes to run, she likes to eat healthy things. Cheeseburger and fries? SO not healthy…I will avoid discussing WHAT I eat at all costs, if I am asked, I will LIE, because I am ashamed, embarrassed , I don’t feel worthy.

OR

I had a salad for lunch. The usual. Healthy, boring, salad.Sure it had all the food groups, fat, calories, etc. I’m disappointed. I wanted pizza. WHY did I not get pizza. “I had an amazing slice of pizza from Tacconelli’s! It was so delicious, I even had pepperoni on it!”

 

I am starving. I want to eat everything. All I do is think about food all day. I worry that I will feel hungry. I hate feeling hungry. What do I do if I feel hungry? What do I eat if I feel hungry?  What is healthy for me and my body?  What should I avoid because it is not good for me?  So many decisions. I am hungry.If I can wait a little longer I can go home and eat my safe food and no one will judge me.“Oh, no thank you, I just ate so much. I am so full! I could not eat another bite! Thanks for the offer though!!”

 

 You are fake. I am not stupid. You want something from me. I can see right through you. I am not a fool.  “((((Silence)))))”

 

This is my apology.  If you heard one, some, or all of these from me. I am truly sorry. Please know I never intended to hurt you, or lie to you. In fact, I wanted to make you happy. I want to make everyone around me happy. I want things to be perfect and I want everyone to be happy………because I am so unhappy.  So I have decided to change that.  I am the only one that can control my happiness. I need to fix it. I need to fix my way of thinking. I need to be happy.  What makes me feel good and happy………….telling you the truth.  Even if it hurts you, or upsets you, or you do not agree. You can think I am a bitch, boring, wrong, selfish, etc. I don’t care. I need to be honest with everyone and most importantly with MYSELF.  I need to stop feeling ashamed and guilty and START living my life.  I need……….some ice cream 🙂

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That was intense. I’ll bring it down a notch.

I am loving all these fresh jersey tomatoes! Today I made my own BBQ sauce! It was pretty impressive! I am quite the little tomato chef!

I tweaked the recipe a bit by adding fresh tomatoes. I also altered some spices. Here is the original recipe. Enjoy!!

http://m.wholefoodsmarket.com/recipe/homemade-barbecue-sauce

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While chopping my zuchinni (from moms garden) look what I spotted!!!! Do you see it??? I am so loving life!<3

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Found some great items at Home Goods today!!! Thoughts? I M definitely keeping the kitchen rack. Love it and store all my overnight oat staples in mason jars! Not sure about the pink hanging mason jar ….can you tell I am obsessed with mason jars!????

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Finally. Some cuteness. Lily at the Haddonfield craft fair. She got sooooo much attention! People love her and she loves them. Best dog (and friend) ever!!

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