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No longer a runner

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4:30 am alarm goes off. I get up, grab lily, get my coffee, eat a bagel and…..run. Every day.

When I don’t run I feel cranky, tired, sad,lazy, like a failure, fat, ashamed,guilty. Running wakes me up,gives me a natural high, makes me happy, makes me healthy…..or so I kept telling myself. that is what I wanted to believe. In fact , for me, it was the exact opposite of all those things. Something healthy turned out to be a big trigger and unhealthy habit for me.

For years I forced myself to wake up early, eat a minimal breakfast and run run run. Every day.
I really did enjoy it at first. Then it became an obsession ” I didn’t run today so I should eat less, I should not feel hungry what is wrong with
Me I didn’t even run today! How can I be so lazy. Some people run ten miles a day”. The negative, abusive words kept coming. Guilt. For not running. Guilt for feeling hungry and wanting to eat. Guilt

Finally one day I saw how my “healthy” habit was destroying me. Why was it causing me all these guilty feelings? Why was I not loving myself and being good to my body by giving it rest and food and energy? I knew it had to stop. I also knew it was not going to be easy. I struggle every day. I fight with myself and go against what my brain is telling me to do( run more eat less , abuse myself and my body ). Something instilled in my brain for so many years. So many negative connotations about food. So many rules. So many ways to make me hate myself.

Stop. Get help.
How can you help? Stop associating Diana with running.

Stop this:
Diana = running
Diana = eating only “healthy” foods.

Diana = so much more

Diana = teacher, daughter , friend, good listener, animal lover,loves to travel, explore, read blogs, quiet walks with my dog, cooking, reading
Blogs, writing, painting, reading tj newspaper , massages And facials , quietness , Starbucks and coffee breaks, meditation, yoga

That is Diana. That is who I Am and so much more. I am learning new things about myself every days. Things and foods I love, how strong I am And how I do not need to be like anyone else.I am no longer Diana the runner. Maybe one day I will be again. Maybe I’ll go for a short run one morning……if I feel like it. Maybe ill just continue doing what I love, enjoy and feels right for ME. No one else. Just me.

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