Ten for Tuesday
Lately I have been what feels like a bottomless pit……at times. Some moments I feel so un satisfied and unfulfilled yet I don’t know what it is that I want. I begin to panic thinking that uncomfortable feeling will never go away. I worry it will make me miss out on life bc I am hungry. Then I eat something…..and it eventually passes. I slowly begin to enjoy things again. Seeing a friend, lily, a baby, a cute old couple walking, a cup of coffee, planning some exciting things for my students, thinking of something fun I want to do on the weekend….something makes it all worth it. It’s hard. Some days I struggle more than others. I just have to tell myself I have come so far. I still need to let go of many unhealthy thoughts, but at least I am not denying the fact that they are there
Right now I feel like I could eat a whole jar of peanut butter with some good dark Polish chocolate(dipped in it like a spoon?!)……I need some Polish chocolate ,not snickers or kit kats, polish dark chocolate…….I want to check out this shop in Haddonfield. Looks like they have some great chocolate choices (not Polish, but def. European!)
The king sundae. Must have. I think I’ll make one for dad and I 🙂
2. Loving and hating.
Ok so hate is a very strong word. I do not like to use it. However for my purpose, I’ll use it. I am admitting to myself that it is easier for me to hate something or hate things about someone than it is to love them. It is hard to love. That involves trust and vulnerability. I’m scared. It’s easier and more comfortable to hate. That goes for myself too. It was easier to hate myself, beat myself up, abuse my body, deprive my body, set irrational rules for myself, not give myself much credit at all. It was easier to keep quiet and let people think I do not care or do not know. It was easier to dislike someone because they don’t “get me”.
Those things definitely were easier for me BUT being good to myself and my body, trusting myself, not seeking approval and validity from others, telling people how I feel and what I want from them. It is much more difficult to do all those things but so much more satisfying. Being able to do those things makes me feel powerful, smart, and worthy.
3. Panic attacks.
I am ashamed to say I had two panic attacks today. My heart was pounding and racing, I felt faint, I felt alone and scared and hopeless. I wanted to cry….. Why!? There was a missed call on my phone. From a number that looked familiar and I immediately thought ” omg it’s my doctor, they found something terrible and are calling me to tell me the bad news”. I stared at my phone. Wanting the message to disappear. I wanted to close my eyes and wake up. I wanted someone else to listen to the message. I finally took a deep breath and put the phone up to my ear……it was a recorded telemarketer…..panic attack gone
I am so tired of it. I used to enjoy looking at it and reading it and lately it just seems so impersonal. I like that I can chat with some people more easily than by phone or text or email so that is kind of what keeps me. I rarely post pictures or things. I’ll comment here and there on others posts. I would rather tell you and show you things in person. I like to blog bc I can organize and get out all of my thoughts.
Ok so you know my obsession with burgers lately!? Well I think this post just took that desire away……lol. Wow
7. Body scan…..ouch
I feel great in the morning and during the day (well I feel my best anyway). As long as I am moving I am ok. It’s the evening. After work, after my day, after dinner and prepping lunch for the next day, after walking lily, checking email,etc etc…..ouch. I hurt. Everywhere. All my muscles. I feel sore. I feel tight. I feel tired and exhausted I feel……old. I have eased up on my body so I am not sure why I feel this way. Is it just getting older? (Ugh) or is it something else? Is it normal? I need to reevaluate and see what I can change (if anything)
8. Things I care much less about lately
My hair. It’s always clean, combed and well kept . I’ve gone from an obsession of two showers per day (with constant curling and hairspray )to a minimal one shower per day with good healthy shampoo conditioner and a nice a slight blow dry (just to get the dampness out) then it goes in either a braid or a few pins to keep it out of my face. Yup. Plain old me. I don’t care if you like it or not. It’s easy for me right now and I have more time in the mornings to do better things (like read my paper, walk Lily, get my coffee, eat my oats)
Clothes. Comfort is key for me again. I’ve tuned down the heels and go for comfort. I just do not have the desire to shop for clothes. I’d rather accessorize my home and go on adventures.
So THIS is more appealing to me than clothes/make up. I have a recent love/fascination with all things WHITE and comfy! Doesn’t this bed look amazing!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
Dating. Not looking for anyone or anything right now. Greatest feeling ever. I am not lonely or embarrassed. I am not uncomfortable or unwilling. I just don’t want to. I’m not ready.
Getting everything done at school. I have let that go. I can breathe now think clearer and focus on more important things. I can tell people no and how I feel about certain situations. I can learn by trial and error. I can only do so much in inw day. I still need to take care of me
Fat. Yes. I do not look at how much fat is in a food. Instead I look at which ingredients will serve my body the best
9. I am most definitely an adult (most of the time!)
10. Just some things I am loving right now 🙂
YUP Its in the work. I have LOST it. I am in the beginning stages of planning a Birthday Party for Princess Lily
Hot Dogs! What else!