So I am changing up my Weekend Update/Week Ahead today to my
WEEKEND WAKE UP
Why? Because this weekend, I had a huge “wake up” moment
This morning on my walk, I finally turned OFF my audio book. Before I started listening to my books, my walks were very mind clearing for me. Then I bogged it up, as usual, with obsessive audio books. One after another, after another…..
Today I turned it off and forced myself to think about the many things I have been avoiding. It just HIT me. Right there. SMACK in the face.
This whole time I KNEW that food was the issue, but really wasn’t, I thought once I started eating more, better, naturally, my problems would be solved….boy was I wrong. I am so happy and proud of myself for coming such a long way with my food and eating issues. Sure, I still dwell and think about it, but I am learning how to feed my body and give it what it needs/wants, when it needs it. I am eating better, I am eating more, I am eating a variety, yet I still feel like something is missing. I feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled. I thought food would fill that void, but it is JUST another cover up for things that are really hurting me.I thought that was food related issue and it’s not I am eating better eating more eating what I am noticing is that STILL is not solving my problems, or taking away my unease and unhappiness. I can see how people use food (either too much or too little) to fill voids or areas of unhappiness in their lives. Just like any other addiction, it is another excuse, cover up and temporary band aid for the root issues.
What I am really craving and wanting and needing to fill me is NOT food , at all. It is love and affection. This is VERY personal to me, but I have nothing to lose. It started from childhood, the man in my life I wanted love and affection from, was not able to give it to me all the time. It had restrictions. This continued and made me long for the same feeling in ALL of my relationships. I was so used to having love and affection SOMETIMES, that I began to make the most and feel so happy and “high” when I got it, then felt REALLY low and down when things were bad and I did not get it. It was just another form of self abuse. I felt I was NOT worth it.
Sure I have experienced love and affection, but it always has been on other people’s terms. When they were happy or sober they could give me what I needed. It occurred to me that I have never really felt loved and cared for because the people I was seeking this from, did not even love and care about themselves.
Now that I’m finally starting to know I love myself, I am realizing I will not settle for someone who is unhappy with their life. I will not settle for someone that relies on addictions to feel better (ANY addiction: sex, drugs, alcohol any type of addiction) I will not involve myself with this ever again, because I DO NOT HAVE TO.
I want someone that loves life and themselves. Enjoys some of the same things I do, but more importantly has a passion of their own. I want someone that is going to teach me new things and have a life. I want someone that will trust me and I will trust them. I want someone that can sit with me on the couch and JUST cuddle, without making me feel , or feeling, like I need to do something “more”.
Yes, these realizations HURT. It does not feel good, BUT I know it is the truth and I know it is ONLY making me stronger ❤
- 31 days until Christmas! Fa la la la la…………..
- I forgot how terrible the traffic, crowds and MOODS are around the holidays 😦 Realize NOW that you will need MORE time to do your normal, every day errands…
- baking soothes me. Trial one of my cookies today 🙂 PLUS my house smells amazing!! Here I am, making my “Secret Cookies”. Do you want to take a guess what I am making??? PS- IF YOU KNOW, shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! 🙂
- That I need to start making things EASIER for myself. Small steps . So today, I FINALLY bought myself a cute little nautical coat/purse hanger! I can not believe I have gone so many years without one. What was I thinking?
- I also hung all of my NEW scarves up to keep them nice and pretty !
- The ABC’s of relationships (This is so cute!)
1. Have you ever had an “aha!” moment?
2. Do you fill your day with little things so that you do NOT have to think about the important stuff?
3. What is your favorite holiday movie??