So this post is more “therapeutic” to me than anything else. Its my way of using my “word vomit” to get out what is inside. This always smacks me down, but the next day I get some clarity and begin to feel better. So in place of my regular journal, I am putting it here. This is me. This is my head.
I have struggled so long and so much with food. It is FINALLY becoming better for me. I recently took my mom shopping with me and showed her some of my favorite things. I normally would feel ashamed of my choices, because they are “weird”, “healthy” and what I like. I fear so much being judged. I do NOT want my choices to make me LOOK like I have an eating disorder. I feel LABELED. I feel like my every move is being judged, but I have to 1) get over it 2) realize it is probably not true.
SO today, I have the opposite struggle, instead of hunger. I feel full. I thought I would be happy about that, but once again my ALL OR NOTHING thinking comes into play (Evil ED!) I start thinking “What if I never feel hungry again? What if the “full” feeling never goes away?”
STOP. It will. It does. I just need to move on with life and stop letting FOOD run my life. I would be able to enjoy so much more if I could just stop this all or nothing thinking.
***UPDATE**** I was hungry for dinner!! In fact, I was ravenous 🙂
I realize how hard it is for me to have friends. How difficult it is to feel like a GOOD friend. I am still trying to sort out things. Do I prefer doing things alone , or if I am just uncomfortable with others? ALL OR NOTHING. (as usual) Why can’t I accept it can be something in between????. Some days I MAY feel like being with others, other days I may want to be alone. I just feel like if I can not be the type of friend someone wants, then I am not a good person or a good friend. This is just me. I have to accept it and I guess the world does too. The truth is, I am in introvert. I like being with myself, doing my own thing, I like YOU too, but I need more down time than most people. Some won’t understand, but I have to accept it. This is who I am. It does not make me weird, or un-normal. This just makes me, ME.
I have never really had any true friends, besides family. I was always in a relationship so my friendships suffered, because I became completely immersed in my spouse/boyfriend. I became them and their problems. I became invisible. I am finding my likes and dislikes now. Some that really surprise me.
I have always been completely fascinated with autism. My brother opened my eyes to this world. He will always be my motivation and inspiration.
The (silly) thing is. I feel like I was MEANT for this. Something is happening to me. I am having clarity. I am able to understand my students. I am able to help them cope and get through their anxiety filled days. Partly because I can relate, partly because I feel like I have something special inside me, helping me. Maybe its Matthew 🙂
I want to make people see what I can see , I will continue to research, write, read and test different things 🙂 I love it, I enjoy it. Its my passion.
I love writing. I love researching. I love finding interesting topics to talk about. I love, love , love interviewing people. its a passion and a hobby. It makes me happy and excited
Do not be surprised to find me asking YOU questions 🙂 Random, odd, you never know whats going on in this brain ❤
5. Feeling I hate
Tiredness. I hate, hate hate feeling tired. There is too much I want to do, see, explore. When I am tired I am miserable. I fight it and continue to push myself. I wish I could just accept the feeling of tiredness and begin to allow myself to enjoy the rest.
6. Less coffee
I have been drinking less coffee and feel SO MUCH BETTER. I realized how unhealthy it became for me. As soon as I felt “tired” I would grab a cup. I have switched to tea now which is better and not as obtrusive on my tummy ❤ Oh, don’t get me wrong, I still drink a lot of coffee, just not nearly as much as I did before.
7. Great finds
So I am thrilled that my NEW Lorac Eye pallet arrived today.
Seriously, you can NOT beat this for $15!
Also, over the weekend I tried a new razor! If you know me (mom!!) you know my legs are usually cut up, knicked, a bloody mess. I shave every day. I love the closeness of it and how smooth my legs feel, yes it is partially OCD, ok maybe ALL ocd, but whatever….
I love this new razor. I received it through buzz campaign, a site that sends me products to try in return for my HONEST review. You can read it here on amazon, and try one for yourself. I will be switching to these for sure!
8. Good Ol’ times
I love the coloring books that came in for my parents. I dropped them off today and let them test them out, just to make sure. Dad was upset there was only ONE set of colored pencils. GGEEEEEEZZZZ , ill grab another box next time I am out 🙂
9. Pick SOMEONE’s BRAIN
Yes. I want to be confident in making my own decisions. However, I also want to be confident and comfortable hearing OTHERS thoughts and ideas and realizing the decision is STILL my own to make. No one can ever take that from me. I can accept feedback without doubting myself.
Today my cousin helped me solve a little problem. It was just something so simple that I would have NEVER thought of if I did not ask for her opinion. With her smarts and my stubbornnesss I have made a decision that I feel good about
Its wonderful to be confident and sure of yourself, but its also ok to ask others for their opinions. It does NOT have to be all or nothing, black or white. There can be a happy medium.
10. I want to be invisible.
Some days I feel invisible , some days I don’t. I LIKE feeling invisible. Its easy. Here’s the odd part. Why I feel invisible……
In the morning, I feel like I look my worst. Messy hair, sleepies in my eyes, mascara runs, mismatched clothes….
me in the morning
Then I shower, put on a little make up, dry my hair and voila, improvement. I am by no means high maintenence. In fact it takes me 25 minutes to shower, dress and get out the door. However I feel like NO ONE see’s me unless I am dressed up with heels, make up, lipstick, to the nine’s. When I am at my worst, I feel like no one see’s me. I am the invisible girl.
Me after shower
I feel like I am day and night. Although more likely it is not much of a difference to the world. I feel like I am unrecognizable in either state. I feel like I am two people and that I would never recognize myself in the OTHER state. Wow, talk about black or white. I am sure the world would recognize me as being me with or without a little lipstick. This just proves one thing to me…..
I NEED TO STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK ABOUT ME. I am me. I am who I am. That is good enough 🙂 ❤