The transition from week to weekend mode is TOUGH for me. It is hard.
All week I give so much to my students and their needs. I try so hard to understand them, their needs, their wants. I try to create ways to help them express themselves, as well as express myself to them. We are different but learning how to work with each other. By Friday, I am in full swing of things. Happy, frustrated, confused, proud. All those feelings mixed up into one. I know exactly how my students feel. Just like this:
So, I try to unwind. De-stress and disassociate work with my life. I try to balance, but it is so hard
It is hard for ME to switch “tracks”
The weekends are MY time. I have healthy relationships, no commitments, I am free to do what I want when I want. Yet what do I do?
I CONTINUE to force myself to do things. I continue to go through the motions of life. I continue to just DO things instead of enjoy them.
Everything I do turns into an obsession. Instead of enjoying people and things, I set unrealistic rules and expectations for myself. Things I once enjoyed become mundane and dreaded for me. I realize it is NO ONE’s fault, but my own .My head turns anything pleasurable for me, into a task, routine, a dreaded event.
Things I used to love and enjoy become overridden with rules, time limits, standards ,and constraints.
Instead of doing things when I want, or if I want, and choosing NOT to do those same things when I do not feel like it, becomes impossible.
I MAKE myself continue to do things, even if I do not want to do them. Why?
I do not know, honestly
Maybe I do not think I deserve to be happy? Maybe I feel like I have not proven enough, done enough, made enough differences or impacts on the world?
Maybe I feel like I can not SOLVE my students problems, or my families?
Things are out of my control. So, in turn, I try to control those things in my life that I can.
I can FORCE myself to do things like run a certain amount, wake at a certain time, eat certain foods, shop at certain places, go to yoga at certain times. I set schedules for myself. I set rules and standards
If I follow through, I am a rule FOLLOWER!
If I don’t I am a failure. I broke my own rules.
I need to start looking at my life in a different way. If I do not want to do something, I do NOT need to justify that to anyone. Not to others, not to myself.
Maybe I don’t want to go to yoga this morning, because I do not feel like being around others. Maybe I’d enjoy just doing yoga at home because I know I have a full day ahead
I want to stop forcing myself to do things I don’t want to. I spent years telling OTHER people YES when I really meant no, and now I continue this pattern but yet I tell MYSELF Yes, when I really mean and feel NO
It is ok to be different. It is ok to not want to do certain things at certain times, then want to at others. Just because I do something today, ,does not mean I have to do it again this way tomorrow.
It is ok to do things inconsistently. I do NOT have to go harder, longer, stronger each time. It is ok to vary and take steps back, and take steps forward other times.
Until I let go of these rules, expectations and punishments. I will NEVER be free of misery. I will never be happy.
I will never enjoy people, family, food, hobbies…
I want to. I want that for myself. I want that for everyone
I deserve it
So do you!