Healthy Lifestyle

Saturday safes and scares…..

Do I feel SAFE or SCARED?

Both

I love this so much
It makes me feel real. Justified. Excited

Real because I often feel like the author. Justified because I too don’t let people in, change myself to please them. etc. Excited because I know this type of friendship is possible!

 

The past few days I have felt “scared”. It’s the best word I can think of to describe the awful feeling. One moment I manage to break free from feeling terrified. The next it is back. It’s hard to fight it and tell my brain I am ok when deep down I am scared of so much….
**also I write in my blog often times “unfiltered”. I do not hold back, or edit or revise when I feel better or change my mind. These are just my current emotions. My word vomit **

I’m scared of rejection. Someone not liking me for me.
It’s ok they are not for me

I’m scared of being alone
I’ll never be alone. The world is filled wih so many unique and special people. I just have to allow myself to see them and let them in

I am scared of trusting someone. What if they betray me? That’s all I am used to. That is all I have allowed
I have to trust slowly and until that trust is broken

I am scared if I let some one in they will hurt me again
I won’t know unless I allow myself to take the risk. Getting hurt 100 times would be worth it if I could find someone that truly loves and accepts me

I’m scared of being so insecure. Will it ever get better ? Will I ever stop thinking I’m not good enough?                                                                                                                                                                    If someone likes and loves me it will be unconditional. They will not leave me for so one more attractive, better career, nicer clothes etc. If they do….they were never for me to begin with

I’m scared of mirrors and pictures
I don’t like looking in them becuase I know I will never be as perfect as I’d want to be. I avoid them especially when ” I know” I won’t like what I see. I have an idea of what perfect is and it unattainable. I know this yet I still beat myself up.                                                                                          I want to look in the mirror and love what I see because that is me. Not the image of me

I’m scared of the future. I hate not being able to control it
The truth is no matter what the future holds I can and will deal with it

I’m scared of losing ones I love.
I need to cherish them now

I’m scared of getting fat.                                                                                                                            I know that is not my real fear. I am really afraid of all the other things I have mentioned.

I’m scared of letting go and letting up on my rules. I am scared they will cause me to go to the extremes
I need to find balance

I am scared of my constant black and white thinking
I’m either
Fat or skinny
Smart or stupid
Fun or boring
Lazy or fit
Serious or loose
Drink or no drink
I can’t waiver I can’t change. I can’t be anything  but perfect. I can’t allow myself to make mistakes or be less than perfect
It’s ok to be different and inconstant with myself. I need to do what makes me happy today. Tomorrow that may be different

I’m scared of everything I can not control , which is A LOT. Pretty much anything not pertaining to me
I ll drive myself crazy thinking like this amd miss some amazing opportunities

I’m scared of making the wrong choices or decisions
No choice is ever wrong

I’m scared of myself. Who Am I really? Am I being hinest with myself or am I forcing myself to live by the rules ED made up for me in my head? I am me. Not ED. He will not take over other areas of my life. Diana won’t allow it. 🙂

I feel safe with a handful of people. My mom I particular. I feel she understands me, wants the best for me, tries to listen to me even if she does not agree or understand. I feel like she loves me for me inside and out. I feel special and smart and important when I’m with her. I want to feel that way more. I want to allow people to see me for who I am. I want to feel that way about myself. I want to feel what my mom feels, so that I can let others in too

I’m tired of
The game
The guilt game. Not being perfect, or looking perfect, dressing perfect, teaching perfect, eating perfect, exercising perfect. It’s a game I play. My biggest competitor is myself. Can I do better tomorrow ? Can I be More perfect? More fit? More thin? More smart? Than I was today?
It never ends. The guilt. The struggle. The self hate.

Breathe. Stop being scared. Find comfort…..in myself.

What are YOU scared of?

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