Accepting myself is hard work.
I feel my choices and actions might be wrong.
I am unsure if it is really “me” or an avoidance of mine.
Something I fear
I don’t feel comfortable with many people. I have had a hard time being comfortable with myself and I finally getting there. I lived for years and years hiding myself. Its going to take me a while to relearn how to enjoy friends and people.
I have fought my own needs and desires for years and given everyone what they wanted and needed. It was easier to have people like me, accept me, want to be around me. I am not blaming ANYONE but myself. I am the one that allowed this. I am the one that let myself stoop to this level. I am also the one that is changing it now ❤
I have a great job, a sense of humor, I’m smart , not too bad on the eyes…… I think I am pretty average/normal. Yet often times I feel like I am “weird”.
I enjoy small doses of interaction and I think this confuses people. In turn keeps me from going any deeper for fear they may expect or want more from me. Which I am not ready to give, and I am not sure if I ever will be. This just may be me.
I am the 30-60 minute girl. That’s what I’ll call myself. That’s usually the amount of time I enjoy being with someone interacting (anyone!!! I don’t pick and choose! It’s anyone! ). Then i feel exhausted. Irritated. Anxious. My mind starts to wander. I try to find excuses and ways to escape. But I know this may seem hurtful or rude to others. But …..this is me. I have to accept it and so do others. I don’t like it but I can’t change it. I’ve tried and the only thing it made me was miserable and unhealthy.
So I have asked myself WHY I feel like I want to flee after I have had my share? Here are some reasons:
- I enjoy being in my own “head”. When I am alone I can gather my thoughts, plan, day dream, think about what I want to do/need to do. I can not seem to do this with others (well at least anyway) HEALTHY
- I enjoy reading. HEALTHY
- I enjoy researching products, restaurants, books, new teaching techniques, everything and anything. I like to feel like a sponge and SOAK up information. I ENJOY doing these things. I enjoy research (Ha! Maybe I should have been a scientist) HEALTHY
- I enjoy writing. I can release my feelings PLUS sometimes write things others will and can enjoy. Writing is also a little piece of the quiet me that I can LOUDLY share with the world HEALTHY
- I feel most comfortable….UN HEALTHY (This is where I struggle most. I have been slowly able to be myself around others. I also have my moments. Sometimes I can, sometimes I so easily revert to my “old” ways.
- I can feel ugly. Ok, so I know I am not hideous, but I do not really see the beauty in me. I like to throw my hair up and wear mismatched clothes at home, its MY space, no one (But Lily) see’s me and I am safe from……judgement (UN HEALTHY)
I am happy with people and without. I enjoy the times I spend with others but also know I have limits. It’s still hard for me to have social interactions and relationships for this reason. I don’t want to disappoint them but I also don’t want to be UNtrue to myself. The fact is some days I feel more “social” than others. Another fact is often times when I make plans my anxiety gets crazy. I anticipate and start making the event dreadful in my head. I ALWAYS have a great time, but I always put so much worry in my head PRIOR to the event!
So here is another Day in The Life of my head
One of my big struggles with acceptance. Is this really me? If so, I will accept it.
Is this not me, am I depressed? (which I do NOT think is the case)
Its my black/white thinking ONCE AGAIN. Maybe I am somewhere in between…..