Bored of ………myself
I don’t think my real issue is that I am bored with myself. Its easy to say, but its much deeper. I have to dig deeper to identify what I really am. Depressed? Unchallenged? Hungry? sleepy? Those feelings manifest for me, as boredom.
I am tired of the never ending roller coaster of emotions. On a random day in a random moment, all these thoughts go through my head. its hard constantly battling them. It depletes me of energy and life:
what will I eat?
What do I do if I feel hungry ?
Is what I am eating the right thing?
How much should I be eating?
when am I full? When am I still hungry?
What is it that I actually want or need to eat?
Why do I feel so alone?
Why do I feel like I want to be alone, but then hate it at the same time?
Why do I need to exercise everyday and make it a task and something NOT enjoyable
Why do I think about the future (which is out of my control)?
Why do people annoy me?
why do I feel that most people are “fake” or putting on an act?
What is it that truly brings me pleasure and enjoyment in life?
what is it that makes me feel so unfulfilled?
Why do I eat a lot of the same things daily? Do I really enjoy them ? Or am I just formimg another habit/routine?
Why do I feel unexcited about things that used to excite me?
Yes I realize these all sound like depression. I know what I need to do, I am doing those things and I do have wonderful days and moments. Its just these dark times that get me down, and I know I can not allow that
My biggest struggle is trying to determine what it is that I truly want, love, enjoy. What excites me? What motivates me? What gets me happy/excited?
I don’t know. That is the problem. I think its one thing, then I resort to forcing it upon myself and depleting myself of all enjoyment and pleasure.
I can’t seem to focus and be in the moment. My mind is often times wandering
Last night I was having a great time with my friend. We were having a great conversation, THEN it hit me. “I am kinda hungry”
I wanted to go home and eat my yummy yogurt with fruit and just chill out on the couch. Nothing against him, just the fact that this popped into my head and I became obsessed. I could not think of anything else but my yogurt. It was like a sudden hunger pang hit me. I could not focus on anything else?
How could I have resolved this? I could have ordered something to eat from the bar, but it was a bunch of greasy “bar” food that I was not craving or in the mood for. I could have packed some snacks in my bag to munch on while there. I could have just went home and ate my snack, which I did. However I feel this is in some way “wrong”
I spent a decent amount of time with my friend, and I felt guilty just wanting to pick up and leave. But it was enough for me. I wanted to go home. The thing is. It does not matter WHO I am with, often times the hunger strikes and I immediately want to flee. Have I had enough? Or am I just hungry?
Then the guilt hits me “I am a terrible person, friend” “Why would ANYONE want to be friends with me when I cant even give them my full attention. I think about FOOD when I am with them.”
How do I resolve this? How do I not allow it to continue to interfere with my life, especially my social life
When I am busy, I do not think about food or eating. I can enjoy moments and times, but as soon as the excitement deteriorates, I start to think about fleeing and food
I can not figure this out?
Is it because my body is truly hungry? Or is it because I am bored and am turning to food for comfort
I HAVE NO CLUE. I can not seem to figure this out and it drives me bananas (Mmmm, bananas, did someone say bananas?)
I often times will say that others annoy me. No, its not others. its ME. I annoy myself. I dislike myself. I can not accept myself
It’s a brand new week and another Un-Manic Monday. Time to keep trying, pressing on and enjoying this short life. I will try to make my impact and be the most honest person I can be. to myself and to the others in the world around me.
Maybe one day I will get my answers. Right now I just have to be ok with knowing that I need to keep trying ❤
Thanks for listening/reading!