It’s a beautiful May day and I feel……………..Angry
I am angry with myself for allowing myself to feel angry , but I’m am even angrier that I am choosing not to let go of it and to choosing happiness instead. What is it with me and wanting to be miserable? Is it easier for me to be unhappy than happy? Yes. It is.
I am angry with my mother for constantly trying to please everyone else, yet she neglects herself. Sometimes I feel like we are all pretending to be someone else. What she doesn’t realize is how amazing,incredible, and inspirational her true self really is.
I am angry with my current situation that I have no control over of. I need to just live and be in the present, but it is just so HARD when you have so many unanswered questions that you do NOT hold the answers to…. I feel like my life is on hold for this reason. I am tired of doing this to myself. I am the only one that can choose to live and enjoy the present. From my eyes the rest of the world looks as if they are set, moving in the right direction, doing things to make their current situations better, yet what I fail to notice is that every one really is JUST LIKE ME. They are no different. They feel the way I do at times too, I am not the only one….yet sometimes I feel so disconnected.
I am angry that I feel tired. That my body hurts and feels exhausted. I am angry that I just don’t know what it is I want to do. It is my day off and I don’t have anything planned so I am miserable yet I don’t want necessarily WANT any plans…….so what is it that I want and feel like I am missing? I can’t seem to enjoy the present, yet I don’t really want to change it. I think I can enjoy the “present” if I just allow myself… . I like to make plans on my own but force myself to do them. I’m not enjoying them or getting much pleasure. They are forced I feel as if I have to do them. Not that I want to…this is NOT how I want to spend my free time!
Work is easy for me. I feel needed. I feel like I have a purpose. I enjoy it. However I want to enjoy my life outside of work too. I want to enjoy more.
I hate that I don’t want a relationship. Instead of enjoying my independence I’m making it miserable, because I feel as if I SHOULD want a relationship. Why can’t I just be ok with just NOT wanting one!?
I want to find things that I enjoy doing and bring me pleasure and satisfaction that does not involve material things. Goods, services bring temporary pleasure but as soon as that wears off I’m unhappy again.
I feel like when I am alone I can’t hurt anyone or disappoint them. If I’m with them I may. I can say the wrong things. Hurt their feelings. Not agree or argue. It’s easier for me to be alone. I don’t have to worry or walk on egg shells. I know it’s me. Me , me, me! it’s not them. It’s how I perceive myself that makes me so uncomfortable.
So I am choosing to let go.
By letting go, I was finally able to enjoy life
My beautiful little “niece” A and the girls…..something about children just makes me so happy ❤ It was great to catch up and feel part of something. It felt amazing to be around people I cared about and felt they cared about me ❤ It totally turned my entire day around. It made me smile
I also got to see “A”s first REAL bath!! I also had her snuggled up in my arms for a lazy afternoon snooze. I blew bubbles and had beautiful flower bouquets picked just for me ❤
To say sorry to my dad. I am sorry I got so upset with you for yet another one of your “infamous” scares. Yes he STILL hides behind walls and jumps out at me when I come over…….its quite annoying, BUT I love it ❤
30 Challenges for 30 Days (I love these!)
This little lady brings me so much happiness and joy ❤ Us cuddling and reading together
Collingswood Farmers Market is OPEN!
I went today, however left empty handed. There was an abundance of fresh, organic produce, plants, flowers, organic coffee, alpaca hats, muffins, pies, cakes, breads, BUT nothing I really was looking for. So I left empty handed BUT know I will be back plenty of times this summer!
I feel like it has become HUGE and super crowded. It sort of takes away the ambiance it once had, it felt more like a “carnival” today 😦 I prefer smaller markets, with more produce, less “fluff”.
PS- if you plan to bring your dog, check out the new rules and regulations, which include having to “register” your pet prior to entering as well as paying a $10 permit fee, which will be valid for the entire 2015 season
beautiful day for some yard sales!
Today I scored…….mechanical pencils! LOL
So random, but I LOVE THEM!! I got a whole pack for .25 cents!