I am feeling much better today. My tummy troubles are slowly going away. Its awful when you do not feel your best. Not quite enough to stay home, but miserable enough to let it interfere with your day. Easily losing patience. Irritable. Blah. Cranky
I went for a walk with my mom and Lucy the German Shepard 🙂 It was a great walk and I am very proud of my mom for making the long journey! I am not proud of MY attitude. I was miserable. Cranky. Irritated. I wanted to enjoy the company and the beautiufl weather, but instead I focused on :
the pollen and how icky it made me feel
1. Try to change (Which may be difficult to impossible)
2. I can accept my flaws and FOCUS on the positive things I possess.
The answer is EASY and CLEAR. Yet I struggle to do it.
It is easier to be miserable than happy. For me
It is a crazy, hot mess. I have millions of thoughts racing through. I have worry, anxiety, fear, anger, excitement. I worry I will forget something important. Even with lists
I find it difficult to keep track because I have SO MANY systems. I have notebooks, calendars, my i phone. I think I need to choose one place and keep it consistent. However it is so hard, because there are so many aspects to my life. Finding that balance is difficult.
How do you tackle and create lists? Do you have ONE big list ? Or categorize and make SEVERAL lists? (e.g. Home and work have different lists)
My home/work balance is TOUGH because my job is my passion, life and happiness. I often times find myself mixing the two and find it difficult to draw the line. I feel like I have left my identification of “Diana the runner” and only masked my need for perfectionism by being “Diana the teacher”
I want to be more, BUT it is so difficult for me to be good at more than ONE thing at a time. Its also difficult for me to be “good enough” in more than one thing. As a perfectionist, its black or white for me. All or nothing.
BANG HEAD HERE
Not to be sexy. Not to burn calories but to see if I enjoy it and if I can do it. Trying to expand my horizons and find a variety of things I enjoy instead of just abusing one thing until I dread it.
I think I use up all my patience at work. I have a lot when it comes to others (although I am no mother Theresa) but with myself?. None. Zip. Zero. Nada
My biggest trouble? Accepting myself and being honest with myself. I have spent so many years worried about what others thought of me. DID what I thought society considered “right” and completely lost myself.
I need to be more patient with myself in allowing me TIME figure things out. It took time to build a fake persona. It will take time and patience to build my true self. I also need to be flexible that I may change my mind at times, and that is OK
Lately I am struggling with relationships. I am noticing that my past relationships were based on a fake passion, love, impulse. I thought I was in love. I thought it was what I wanted and needed. Now I question my intentions
Did I ever really want children ? Currently I know I do not I am content with my job and feel like I can give so much more to this children that are already here and need me. RATHER THAN try to be Wonder Woman and juggle teaching and parenting
Why did I want children before? I always knew deep down the person I was with would not be the ideal family guy/father/ spouse I needed. I knew (but avoided) knowing I would most likely be left raising a child as a single mom. Yet my impulsiveness pushed those feelings aside. Because having kids is just the “right” thing to do
Well maybe it isn’t for me. MAYBE it is. I’m not quite sure in this present moment. I havE to be patient that time will tell. I don’t need to have the answers or make a decision right now. In fact I can change my mind several times if I want. Life is not black and white
Even friendships were not right. Not that the friends I chose were bad. They just were not for me. I surrounded myself with people that focused on weight, exercise, outward appearance. When those were the things I dreaded most. I craved: People that had other interests. Yet never allowed myself to get to know them, Until now. I am finally starting and realizing the right people are fun and interesting!