I have to start off in a “Whatev” kind of way…..by saying I feel so guilty.
Last weekend I had ice cream to end my vacation. Sunday I also had another ice cream. I know it’s silly, but from an ED perspective I feel guilty. I feel like a failure. I feel like an ordinary, regular person. I feel ashamed?
Like I said, I realize this is so silly and unimportant. There are people dying and sick and starving and I’m worried about ice cream?? It is silly, but the thought and feeling is STILL there, no matter how hard I try to push it away.
I want to just accept it but have a hard time because I could have really went with or without it. See my ED brain is all or nothing. Do I need it? No. Do I want it? Eh, sure why not. Therefore to me, its always ALL OR NOTHING THINKING. Either I really really want it, or I don’t..
It was not something I was deliciously craving. I thought it would be a good way to beat the heat at the Medford day and sit down and chat with a friend a bit. So I need to remind myself it is the experience I should be grateful for. I spent some time with a friend, and gave my body the rest it needed by taking a break, after a crazy run around weekend !!
Here are a few more of my Whatev’s from the week……
The end of the school year is Oh So Crazy. Phew. It has been a long year. The students and teachers have worked so hard. The heat, humidity and close proximity of eachother = cray cray cray (But in a good way 🙂 ) HOpefully some fun activities that are planned for the end of the year will be refreshing for all ❤ we can ALL do this!
I have not been posting much lately, because I literally need a brain break. The past few weeks have been absolutely busy. Between work, life, friends, family, my brain feels like this
as a result, my brain now looks like this:
This looks pretty awesome. I admit, the thought has crossed my mind. As much as I LOVE LOVE LOVE my iPhone, it is very consuming (also very helpful) I used to have to go to my desktop to check email, the web, google, calender, etc, etc, etc. NOW I can do it all from my phone, which is wonderful in one way, but so depersonalizing in another
Oh, technology! love/hate relationship!
Honesty is always the best policy……..Or is it?
I agree with most of these. In fact, I have decided to take their advice on some of them ❤
Still having a hard time being me.
I have realized that FOOD was my “cover”. The real reason I avoid social situations is:
1) I don’t always enjoy them
2) I still feel I am unable to be myself. I have spent so many years being someone else, its hard to break the pattern
Food was MUCH easier to blame. “Oh I don’t want to go because food will be there and I will feel judged”
Well I have learned that my food choices and what are put in my body are MY choice. I am making healthy decisions, eat foods I like and enjoy, and if you have something to say, you can say it, but I am standing behind my decisions and not worrying so much about what others do/say. SO in turn it has made me realize that food really was NOT the issue. It is how I feel in those situations. I like being alone, or in very small groups. Not to say I do not enjoy big groups at times, I DO, but the thought still scares me, gives me anxiety. Once I am there I enjoy it, but it is STILL not something I would seek out on my own
I have spent my entire life thinking I am WRONG. Well its about time I really start giving myself the respect I deserve. My choices, thoughts and decisions are never wrong for me. They may be for YOU but never for me. I need to trust my head, brain and body ❤
Things I won’t be ordering from restaurants anytime soon
I absolutely love Anthony Bourdain. Check out some great home kitchen and dining tips here
Note to self : never ever ever order swordfish (omg gahhh)
My head, brain and body have been E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D this week/month. I have a lot going on currently and am realizing I am NOT good with stress (who is though, right?)
I need to find ways to be better to myself. I always look for the negative and make the worst out of things. I for some reason feel i do NOT deserve good things. I have not worked “hard” enough for them.
Seriously , i need to STOP being a mean girl to myself.
(this is how I often times look at myself)
I can not control situations and outcomes. I can only deal with them as they come.
That is where I struggle. What do I do with myself in the mean time? I am trying. I am walking, talking, doing things. However it is still hard, those thoughts and feelings intermittently pop into my head
I make a wrong decision? What if I choose the wrong food to eat. What if I choose the wrong thing to wear. What if I choose the wrong thing to say?
What if I just accept that I am human, and I will make wrong choices, BUT I need to look at them as a learning experience.
This is where most of my anxiety comes from.
Diana, Life is TOO short to worry about making the wrong choices!
I have such a HARD time being present and in the moment
Example: reading the newspaper. It used to be enjoyable, NOW I am not actually reading it. I rush through it to get “finished”. I don’t take in the articles fully, I can’t focus on the article, relax, enjoy, read. So WHY am I doing it? It has become another TASK of mine
I want to kick my own BUTT for this. I feel as if I always RUIN things for myself. Something that used to be enjoyable becomes a task instead of an activity.
So how will I solve this? No idea, but here are some thoughts:
- Read the paper on certain days of the week, it does NOT have to be a daily thing
- read it occasionally in the evening, instead of forcing myself out of habit to do it each morning
- try to sit down on the couch with a cup of tea/coffee and read for 30 min (even set a timer and not allow myself to get up) THIS WILL BE TOUGH!
- cancel my newspaper subscription
- choose one article and really read it, maybe research it some more?
I will revisit my list and see how can resolve my problem. I want some pleasure in my life instead of making everything such a miserable task!
Yes, this is small, probably insignificant to most, but this is me. These are the things my brain and body struggle with
I have a hard time relaxing. My idea of relaxation involves movement. I have found ways to do this (walking my dog, listening to audiobooks, listening to podcasts while I cook) but there are still things I can NOT do while walking or moving. NOT to mention it is not really feasible to live my life moving all day long = EXHAUSTION
Pick a show to watch (I never, ever watch tv because I hate sitting) however, I really want to watch the Outlander series on starz, soooooooo this may be my opportunity
Interested in watching the Outlander series too? Check it out here
Looking for another reason to watch?
Here ya go, Mr. Jamie Fraser
(My fear? That I will turn into a huge couch potato,that i will NEVER be able to stop binge watching tv) Silly, i know, but scary
This way of thinking is what trapped me into my ED. I need to break free from it in all aspects of m life NOT just food