Today I just feel like I CAN’T (or maybe won’t) give up on or LET GO of so many uncomfortable feelings.
I fight my hunger. I fight my tiredness. I fight relaxation.
My morning started off with a big breakfast. This breakfast usually fills me but recently has been leaving me feeling unsatisfied. Instead of just EATING MORE, I fight it “No, I shouldn’t be hungry, No I shouldn’t need to eat more, something MUST be wrong with me………” YES! I am hungry!
I used to always get this big breakfast! LoL
When will I just”magically” begin trusting myself?
I fight exercise/activity. I constantly feel like I need to be moving and “On the go” in order to be happy and feel content. When I have free time or down time, I feel lazy and unproductive. I force myself to keep moving because the thought of relaxing is also unpleasant to me. SO how do I find a balance? Not doing too much, but also relaxing enough? I am certain I am not the only one that struggles with this 🙂
I hate the constant nagging voice in my head (Diana go walk, run, hike, etc, YOU Have some time!)
This leaves me feeling void, depressed and down. Then I mope and push myself to get things I need to get done with no enjoyment.
This also affected a moment I was enjoying. My cousins and my niece stopped by to drop off a camera lens (Hahah FOOL YOU!) and I was present in the moment and enjoying my time, then the thought hit me “I am hungry, I need to eat” I began to panic. Their voices became faint, all I could think about is……..eating. I allowed my feelings to disrupt something I was enjoying…..the anxiety and panic hit and I had to “flee”. Most I hate that I allow myself to let these feelings over come me, and instead of being honest “Hey guys, I am starving, I need to go”, I feel ashamed of my hunger and word it “differently” (aka white lie)
I am ashamed to feel hungry
Then I put it all together. I ate MORE, I exercised LESS. I BETTER get moving…..I can not just let things be. I always feel the need to “fix” things and make them balanced and perfect
I want to come to the point where I say “Oh well today I ate more and sat on my butt, MAYBE tomorrow Ill feel more motivated and energized……..maybe not”.
These times will come and go just like everything else in my life.
I need an outlet. My writing, blogging and walking/running/hiking/yoga is NOT enough. I have been avoiding people because I don’t want my problems to carry over to them. I don’t want to burden them with my crazy thoughts. I don’t want to be “fake” in front of them and put on an act that I am happy and excited and loving life. Right now I don’t. I know I will again, but currently I don’t and I do not want to lay that burden on others, because , who wants to be around someone like that? Not me, I cant handle it.
I do love listening to my friends and family vent. Its a way to get things out. I enjoy it, but have a hard time finding others may share my joy in this. Of course if it became constant every day, with no means of changing, I too would quickly get annoyed and RUN, but the occasional vent session that ends up with some relief makes me and them feel good
This is where I am at. I TRY, but I fail
1. Food for Thought
I still have disordered eating and thinking. I am finally admitting this to myself, YES I am eating, good yummy delicious foods , BUT I still spend a good part of my day thinking about my “next meal”. Maybe this is from the years of strict schedules but it is a hard habit for me to break free from. I can not fully enjoy the present because food thoughts are EVERYWHERE
2. So appreciative and “loved”
I received a surprise, pretty much just for the HELL of it. Wow. I am so thankful and excited for my new gift! ❤
This is such a SWEET start to my new “life”. Letting it go, enjoying the moments, SLOWING down and enjoying people and life ❤
I AM excited for my new start and new chapter in my life. Yet I feel ashamed to show it. I feel others will take it as a “rub it in YO face” perspective
Yet, this is NOT true. I need to STOP worrying about what others think or may think and live my life