Today I am #grateful for the next steps on my journey to my new home and fresh start in sunny SC <3. It will be an adventure and journey for sure, I am so grateful for the opportunity for a “clean new slate”
Restrictive eating and exercise addiction is so much easier than living life 😦
I have come to realize that my eating disorder and exercise abuse had become my safe place
It is so much easier to live on a strict schedule and have order , routine and no surprises in your life
Every day was the same. The same running routine. The same eating routine. No surprises ,no changes. Just comfort and security
I did not need to worry about forming relationships, working on communication, being myself, living with my feelings and emotions
Every day is different for me now AND it’s hard
Some days I want to be alone some days I don’t. My days consist of finding that balance and fairness for myself and others around me
I realize I need people and I’m relying on them more and more. People and connections bring me joy and happiness. I am becoming a full person
YET that road to recovery is so hard
Food is no longer much of an issue. In fact I’m realizing that food is just OK. Sure it taste good at times, I feel hunger and have some cravings. Yet it doesn’t nearly bring me as much joy or satisfaction as I thought it would. I thought food and overcoming my ED would bring me happiness and make everything perfect. Yet it is not. Food and eating is not my savior. My miracle to happiness. Sure, I have cravings for certain things but not every day and that’s OK. I’m happy I’m not relying on food to bring me happiness because that’s not healthy either
I am still struggling with my obsessive thoughts. That is the one thing standing in my way of pure pleasure and happiness. It all stems from there. I am unable to fully live because those thoughts are there.
Some days I am so restless and uneasy and unable to pinpoint what my emotions are. At those times I feel it would be so much easier to go back to my restrictive way of life, at least that way I had a routine and schedule and didn’t have to worry about my feelings or anyone else’s. I didn’t have time to. I was to preoccupied with thinking about my food and exercise routine there was no time left for anything else
I didn’t have time to be present and listen to my friends and family. I didn’t have time to be present and watch the people around me change and grow. I didn’t have time to focus on myself and deal with all the good bad and uncomfortable feelings I experience on a daily basis just like everyone else
I’m being 100% honest here. It was much easier. I often times miss those feelings because it made me avoid everything else
However I realize this is just another step in recovery and I will get through this. I will find my true happiness
Don’t get me wrong my life does have happy moments it’s just a lot of work to get there. A lot of self talk and forcing myself to be present and enjoy moments and people. Those moments are there, but I also need to realize and accept that my life will not be filled with happiness ALL the time. There are other emotions: Anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, love, pleasure. It is not ALL or NOTHING, HAPPY or SAD. There are SO many emotions and feelings in between those.
Simple example of how I am finding happiness: a few hours just chatting with my friend. Just really being present and listening to her. This brought me so much happiness, fulfillment and joy and I learned so much.
I need to learn. I need to grow. I need challenges. THOSE are the things that bring me happiness, pleasure and joy.
For me learning and growing is the biggest pleasure
I have spent my entire life worried about making others happy and I have completely avoided and dismissed all the things around me. Anything I should have taken pleasure in, I instead resorted to helping others find pleasure in them.
My friend has a passion for music and books and it’s amazing to see how emotional she gets about them.
For me music brings me feelings of uneasiness. My past relationships were unhealthy. I never took interest in music, art, etc because I was “following” their lead. Whatever they enjoyed, I made sure they had it. I wanted them to have a great time and feel happy. I have associated music with drugs and alcohol because that’s all I got to see from it, and this has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I just assumed thats why people went to concerts/shows. they just wanted and excuse to get drunk or high. I realize now this is furthest from the truth. There ARE people that are so passionate about music, art, theater, etc. I was just associating with the WRONG people that had their own unhealthy addictions.
Not once was I ever present to enjoy the music ,sounds, words or emotions
Instead I spent my time focusing on the other person : where they happy? Are they having a good time? How can I ensure they were being happy?
This is where I look back and beat myself up how could I have been so naïve and depriving to myself?
Yet today I choose to no longer beat myself up and instead live life the way I should and want to
Yes I may be turning 35 in a few days but this is my awakening. This is my time. This is all about me. If people want to judge let them because in the end we are all seeking the same thing happiness. For the short time we have here on earth
So today I realize and accept the feelings of missing my strict eating routine ,my 4 AM runs and my excessive thoughts
However I also realize that I was not happy nor what did I have any quality of life
Let children think and talk for themselves. Give them time. Avoid putting words in their mouth.
Today at the library, my little lady “L” wanted to help the librarian put some books away. She finally got up the nerve and walked over to her (WAY TO GO “L”!)
She was a bit nervous and was gearing up her confidence to ask to help, WHEN the librarian jumped in (with in seconds) and put words right in here mouth
“OH, you want a new sticker? Ok, go to the front desk and Ann will give you one”
“L” followed orders and went over, she looked confused. Sure, I would too! Yet she got her new sticker, put it on and walked back over. I sat back and observed. Could she do it this time? I saw her take a deep breath, and finally said “Can I help put the books away”
Librarian “Ohhhhhhhhhhh, of course, here you go”. “L” was thrilled with herself and the librarian also was as now she had less work to do.
This just is the perfect example of how we, adults, don’t allow children to think for THEMSELVES. We are too quick to jump in and try to fix things for them. Then we complain that kids “Can’t do anything for themselves, avoid independence”. Of course they can’t. We are not allowing them
So next time your child, niece, nephew or student approaches you, give them some TIME. Let them think for themselves first. Let them get up the courage.
After the little boost of confidence, we set out for Maker Camp and our Super Slimy Science adventure. These are free classes/camps being offered by the Burlington County Library. They offer so many wonderful classes and programs. I was quite impressed by the “scientist” and “L” really had a blast, plus learned some incredible stuff along the way.
Waiting and reading. We took turns reading the Cat in the Hat 🙂
Then we found out the classes was running late and had an hour to spend. So we brainstormed and came up with Ice Cream Sundaes
A little more fun before we get slimed
Meet Cyclone Sue , our scientist for the day. (Wow, she was impressive. She was so great with the rowdy kiddos. She kept her calm, composure and answered so many of the mini “scientists” questions. She was GREAT with the kids as well as super knowledgeable. I asked her if she was a teacher , for she was so collected and great with the kids, she said she was NOT. I said she should be 🙂
Waiting patiently to make some slime
mix it like the mad scientist you are
and tadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Slime!
here it is! 🙂 and there it goes……right in the trash, for the warning that it will pretty much destroy any clothing, carpet or upholstery, not willing to take that on