to admit and share how I have been feeling lately. This feeling is something I have been ashamed of and pushed aside for quite some time. Today I am finally accepting this feeling and hoping to move on from it.
I can NOT change the way I feel, yet it IS in my power to choose to overcome those uncomfortable feelings. I will let it set in, accept it, and continue to move forward…
I want to be taken “care” of.
Call it selfish, but that is my current feeling.
Let me explain.
For years I have been a people “pleaser”.
Aspects of doing things for others bring me the biggest joy and happiness,. There are MANY healthy ways to do things for others and feel fulfilled. YET it is those OTHER unhealthy patterns that have brought me to where I am today, feeling exhausted and burnt out, and just wanting SOMEONE else to take care of me. The biggest unhealthy pattern ? Pretending to be someone else, just to make others happy.
I want to give up, just for a little bit. It sounds so safe and comforting to just leave everything behind and have someone ELSE take full responsibility of me. I would love a year or a few months with no responsibility , worry or fear. I want to feel SAFE. I want to move back home, into my old bedroom, have mom make all my meals, pack my lunches, dress me……I want to be a kid again ❤
I can only make myself happy and that is a choice. It is extremely difficult, yet I know it is achievable.
I have taken care of the men I have been in relationships. I have no resentment or blame. This was my own choosing. No one made me make the choices I made.I chose to focus on solving OTHERS problems rather than facing my own, which was much more difficult. Yet by tackling my OWN issues, I can finally find peace with myself and find and maintain healthy relationships. I have NO anger or hate towards any of my relationships. IN fact, I am grateful for them ALL because they brought me to where I am at today. It was my own believing that I could “change” them and make them happy.They NEVER asked me. I had tried to fix or change them or make them happy BY changing myself and doing things I was uncomfortable with . It didn’t work, all I did was burn myself out. It took me MANY years to truly understand that YOU can not make OTHERS happy ,only yourself. This always seemed so selfish to me. the words were there. I would say it to myself , but I never truly believed it. I still thought I was an exception. “I am special. I CAN and WILL make OTHERS happy”
I am not an exception.
- I have taken care of my brother and always acted like his BIG sister. This is not something I regret or am upset about. I really DID enjoy taking care of him. I even tried to play teacher with him from a very young age and help him work towards independence. I saw the potential in him, but often times I look back now and think he ENJOYED being taken care of and LET us do it 🙂 (who wouldn’t !) The unhealthy? thinking I could make him “better”. Thinking if I worked hard enough, I could make him speak. If I could just spend a little MORE time with him, maybe I could make him more independent. These expectations were the result of ME. I chose to believe and strive for all those things, in an unhealthy manner. Instead of working on small goals, I wanted it ALL. The big picture. All or nothing.
- I have worked in the field of special education with many different students with many different abilities. From a 1-1 shadow aide, discrete trial administrator, substitute, teacher of severe and profound disabilities, and amazing students with social, emotional and learning differences. I LOVE my job and what I do, yet I realize how important having my students strive and attain independence really is. Yet it is so challenging and exhausting. It is a battle to do something uncomfortable for YOU. I know this first hand, so can relate with my students on MANY levels. Unhealthy: beating myself up for not being able to make LIFE easier, better, less stressful for my students.
- I have always worried about my parents growing up. I wanted to be perfect, hoping that would make them happy. Yet it was too much to take on. Perfect grades, perfect appearance, perfect choices, perfect sports player, perfect church goer, perfect friend, perfect helper, perfect cleaner, perfect sister, perfect, perfect, perfect……..Well all those thoughts of perfection landed me with an eating disorder. Unhealthy: My parents did NOT need my help. My parents only needed me to be their child. I was NOT responsible for making them happy. I was only responsible for the best for me.
WHY did I choose an eating disorder? It is clear now. I was overwhelmed with myself and my thoughts. I wanted to “give up”. I wanted to let someone else take care of ME. Thats why as scary as it was, when I went to an ED rehab when I was 16, I actually felt relieved. I felt SAFE there. People told me what to do, what to eat, what I needed to work on. It was all about ME. I did not feel guilty because I KNEW I needed the help.
Feeling I deserve help makes it so much easier for me to ACCEPT help.
Yet , I began stating that I want to be taken care of, however I know that would NOT bring me happiness. The happiness is here, it is inside me. I am accepting and moving forward from all the uncomfortable feelings I am experiences. I know I will be ok. I know I will never give up. I know I will smile more and more everyday 🙂