Some days I get these moments of extreme panic in fear………… right now is one of them. I know they will go away (and always do) but the moments are still there
I look around and I’m scared
I don’t really know anyone and it makes me feel scared and alone. Yes, this is what comes with moving to a new place. I get it, it is just uncomfortable and I know it does not have to be
I turn to food and exercise because that is my comfort zone. Those things make me feel safe. They fill my mind with thoughts so I can avoid the uncomfort of being afraid and alone.
BUT I have managed to do so in a much healthier way, so I give myself credit. Instead of forcing myself to run miles on miles, racing against myself, setting unrealistic goals and limits, pushing through pain. I NOW practice gentle yoga and go for walks.
This is so healthy and so huge BUT the problem is, that is what I ALWAYS turn to.
” I feel alone, I feel scared” Let me go “excercise”, let me make something healthy for the week…………this are great BUT I want to also do other things. Call a friend, draw, paint, do a craft, etc etc
I do not want to solely rely on food and exercise to make me feel better. There are other ways too
The thoughts are still there and I can’t get them to go away no matter how hard I try, No matter how much I try to distract myself, no matter how much I keep pushing myself to move forward
Those ugly thoughts are there and I look around to see people losing their homes, starving, not having a place to go and I feel so selfish for the thoughts that go through my head
Yet there is no avoiding them. Part of it is admitting it to myself and out loud no matter how shallow or selfish it may seem. I am trying to decrease those thoughts by HELPING those that need it. yet I am scared of this too
Today I have a few opportunities to be with friends and do things I enjoy
My head immediately fills with panic. What if there is nothing for me to eat there? What if people don’t like me? What if I look like I have an eating disorder? What if what if what if
What if I stop caring with the world around me thinks because I know they have other things to worry about and are not concerned with what goes on my plate or in my belly
That is my own decision I will eat what I want and what makes me feel good
Yet these thoughts prevent me from being able to truly engage and enjoy social events which I really need
I really need to be around people. They are not judging me, I am judging myself. I am the bully
My initial reaction is to want to be alone because I know then no one can hurt me or dislike me or judge me. I guess deep down that is when I am truly fearful of
I’m afraid to gain a lot of weight for fear that people won’t like me anymore
What I have always been known for I’m no longer known for and I feel like there’s not much that makes me special
Yet now is the time in life where I find those things and let them shine because I know deep down I have a lot of special qualities
Those are my Sunday thoughts for the day
my goal is to try to be in the moment enjoy people enjoy conversations and not let those evil thoughts get in my way
Life is too short to miss out on opportunities over silly fears
So being very honest with myself and all of my readers I will admit yes I am on the road to recovery but those thoughts are still there they eat at me literally
They drain me they make me unhappy.
They make me want to avoid people they make me want to go and hide
they make me question myself and my confidence
I don’t know what it is that I fear or am afraid of
I think most of all I’m afraid of being alone
at this time I am slowly beginning to find me set up I’m surprising myself and others in many ways /
In a way I feel this is unfair to others because how can I be friends with someone when I don’t even know myself?
Yet I suppose that is what life is about. The people around me will only help me discover myself. Some people will like me and some people won’t. That’s how the world works
I need to stop worrying so much about that and just start living in trying to be a genuine person that’s inside ……somewhere