Lately my blog has been flailing AND failing.
I feel like one of those crazy blow up dolls stores use to
annoy motivate you
And it’s all my fault
I have allowed myself to get caught up and stressed over things that don’t “serve” me. I have lost focus on something that was once (not long ago) becoming so clear. I have allowed it to happen again.
I can’t continue to allow things and feelings to control me and hold me back. It’s not fair to me and others around me. (Sorry mom!)
I feel like a few months ago I was a different person. I found excitement and passion in things. I enjoyed traveling, trying new foods, meeting new people, learning new things. My trip to New Orleans was so magical. A growing experience. I look at pictures and had a fire in my eyes and smile.
Then a move, new job and tons of responsibility came into play. I have let it consume me and overwhelm me. I have allowed it to take the uniqueness and life out of myself. I have been faking it. Pretending to be fulfilled and happy Yet I am not. Something is missing. It is ME that is missing. My voice. Standing up for myself and feeling confident . I fill my time with activities hoping they will being me happiness. All they are bringing me is more ways to avoid the problem. Being afraid to have a voice.
I have allowed the overwhelming feelings to just build and In turn take it out on myself in a form of self hate. Telling myself I’m not good enough. Smart enough. Thin enough. I assure myself things would be different if I dressed nicer, was thinner, was more fit, stronger. losing focus of what I have to be grateful for RIGHT NOW
Once I beat myself up with food and exercise. Now it’s verbal abuse resulting in the same defeated terrible feeling about myself.
Life is too short to sit around and mope. I have tried it. It does not work
I need and want to live right now because there are so many wonderful things around.
And more importantly I need to stand up for what I feel is wrong or when I feel I am being taken advantage of. not being In The greatest place at the moment , have allowed myself to think I’m not worthy of a voice. Yet I am! My voice is so important. I know a lot! I know what is best for me. I need to take risks even if I fail at times, or am laughed at or disagreed with. That’s the only way I will grow and become strong again mentally and physically
So I am proud of myself for owning up to these feelings and finally deciding to do something about it and not just continue to let it grow. By losing my voice I lose myself and I can’t allow that to happen. I have worked too hard to get to where I am. I won’t allow anyone, especially myself, to stand in my way!
I leave you with a favorite quote I just saw…..