I don’t know how to be in a relationship(s)……….
this takes a lot for me to admit. It is embarrassing and makes me very vulnerable and out there, but I feel it’s the only way for me to face my fear and maybe learn how to come into my own skin again
Years of unhealthy relationships with myself and others have placed me here. Now I am trying to work hard to build true friendships, trust people, and even find a romantic relationship.
I understand that I need to be happy with myself in order for any relationship to thrive and survive. This is where I get lost
Sure, I have my negative dark days where I am unhappy with myself, job issues, life stress, but for the most part I have been building and working towards finding ME this past year.
I have learned so much and have had to face so much. I have had to tell people NO. I have had to tell people how I really feel. I have had to tell MYSELF what I truly like and do not like
For years I have pretended to be someone else. Doing things I thought I should enjoy or like. This only lead me to dread things, which in turn made me dread even wanting to make plans with others.
I can be myself with a few people. I let them see me at my worst, physically and mentally. I tell them the ugly things that go through my head. I tell them the wonderful things as well, such as my likes, dreams, inspirations and goals.
Yet, around other people , I do not know. I feel they will judge and not accept the real me. So once again, I put on my act. Super Diana. Out to please and make everyone else happy and again lose focus of myself. My wants and needs.
This is in part to not really truly knowing what I want or like. I am still figuring that out. I am trying my best to be present and in the moment to see if I really enjoy certain things, or if I am just people pleasing again because it is someone else’s idea of fun, or right, or what not.
I want to speak up more. I want to be myself more. I want people to see me in my sweats, sleepy eyes, messy hair. I want people to see me at my worst and STILL love and accept me. I want people to know I do not always have “nice” thoughts. I want people to know I get jealous, envious, bitter. I want people to see all my wonderful , loving qualities, but I also want them to see the ones that I am not happy with myself, but learning to accept or at least cope with
I can not change who I am. Yet I force myself to do so around others. I just want to be accepted and liked.
I Need to worry more about if I like the person and continue to keep exploring and growing myself
I have made some amazing friends already. I think they are beautiful on the inside and out. I trust them. I care about them. Yet I feel guilty. That I am NOT good enough for them. That I am not a good friend, or am not doing enough, being enough or saying the right things. I worry that if I decline an invite, they think I am a bitch or do not like them.
I try to voice myself and let people know I am in a growing period. I am fighting some medical issues which leave me feeling not my best. I am exhausted easily, tired and low on energy. Some days it just feels like I am pushing to get through the day. I pray I have the energy not to drop or pass out
So, I feel I am not sure HOW to be in a healthy relationship. Giving others what they need, yet making sure I give myself what I need first
Why is this so hard for me? Why is the balance so difficult? Why am I still hiding things I enjoy doing, or where I am? (For example, I will often times tell people I am doing something , like working, when in reality I am going to a yoga class or getting my nails done, etc)
I am ashamed to do things for myself. I do not want others to know I am doing things for me. This makes me feel uncomfortable and so unhappy with myself. That I can not just admit and own up to taking care of me and doing what I want to do
The guilt is there. I feel awful, horrible and terrible for not being more available to others, when deep down, I do not even feel fully available to myself
Does this mean I should avoid people and relationships? Absoltuely not. That would be the EASY thing to do. I need to face my fears. I need to let people see me at my worst, and sometimes my best. I need to accept that not everyone will like me
I need to accept that someone may initially like me, then change their mind once they get to know me.
I think that is my biggest fear . Rejection.
I don’t know why I am so afraid of it. If someone rejects me for ME, then they are not for me anyway. I am better off.
I need to step out of my comfort zone of trying to get others to “like me’. I want to start loving myself and accepting myself as am.
This is the only way I will ever find peace with myself.
I deserve this and the people that truly care about me deserve this as well.
Who am I?????