Self discovery is ……
I had an “aha” moment yesterday about this.
I am having a very hard time giving up and saying good bye to the old me. Yet that old me was NEVER really me , just what I thought everyone wanted and expected me to be
“Clean eater, healthy, runner, loves to exercise,loves to restrict and eat the same foods over and over”.
That was me. All of me. Pretty much
I kept up this act for 20 some years. I was know as Ms. Healthy. Ms Perfect Eater. Ms Loves to Exercise.
There is nothing wrong with being any of those things, but when it consumes you and makes you unhappy…….it is not healthy.
This is why when I look back or people talk about things in the part….I genuinely do not remember.
I think I am too young for dementia 🙂 so I believe, this is because I was acting like what I thought I should be, do , look like. I was too concerned with what others thought that. Completely occupies my thoughts. Leaving no time or energy for me to…love my life.
Friendships and relationships suffered because I had to punish myself. Then there was no energy left for “everything else”
All it did was consume my every thought. Make me miserable. Depressed. I never felt good enough but the high from others comments kept me going
So now here I am. Looking back saying “who the hell was that?!”
And even more startling and scary “who the hell am I now”?
I enjoy almost the complete opposite of what I was. I love more sedentary activities. Reading. Coloring. Journaling. Being creative. Writing.
Yes I still enjoy movement but for pleasure Walks. My yoga.
Yet I feel guilty. I’m having g a hard time saying goodbye for good to that old me.
She keeps putting stuff in my head
“go ahead get up at 4:30AM and run. It will be out of the way and you will have the rest of the day ahead of you and will have burned calories so it will be ok to eat…still healthy choices of course”.
And I realize this will just spiral right back into the old me
So I fight it.
It’s hardddddd. So hard.
Yet I am starting to enjoy my gentler kinder life more…but it’s so scary to say goodbye and good riddens.