Man oh man. Control USED To be so easy.
Running. Check! It is easy to control the exact same route and mileage. It is easy to just go out and “run” from life and my problems. Running 7 miles before work daily? EASY!
Food. Check! So simple. I can eat about 10 foods. I can eat those things at set times. Done. Check! Easy!
Wow. who thought this road to recovery would be so tough. I thought once I let go of my food and exercise thoughts and issues, I would be happy, loving life and healed
Far from it. BUT I am a stronger person today that I have EVER been. Even if that consists of occasional melt downs, crying spells and thoughts of “I Cant do this”. You know what, all those things have MADE ME STRONGER! Nope I can not run 7 miles at 4 am. BUT you know what I can do? I can deal with LIFE. Its ups and downs, as uncomfortable and pleasurable as they can be……
So here are some ways I am dealing with CONTROL….
Feeling tired (physically and mentally) I DO not want to accept and embrace my tiredness. I fight it with all I have, which continues the vicious cycle of feeling tired. A LOT. I want to be good to myself, allow my body and mind the rest it needs and deserves without any feelings of guilt. I CAN control allowing myself to let go of the rules and high expectations, terrible words (Lazy, fat, stupid) and just let myself rest and relax.
She never has a problem resting 🙂 ❤ you Lily
other people. I hate that I can not know what other people are thinking (about me). Do they think I am fat? Or stupid? Or lazy?
BUT I can control NOT CARING. Who cares what they think. I know my best me and the best I can be at any moment
the future. It is so frustrating and makes me want to scream on the inside and out. I can control not allowing myself to feel like I am on a roller coaster. I can allow myself to be happy, even if it is only for a day, hour, or minute
my appetite. Some days I am just not hungry. Other days I am ravenous. I hate that my perfect little schedule is disrupted. No more meal plans or times or prep. This is a good thing, yet it is so uncomfortable and frustrating for me . I can control listening to and trusting my body. It KNOWS!!! (Hey less work for me right!?!? )
that I hate doing things at night. I hate that I cant control that I just am NOT a night person. I wake up too early and am spent by the evening (plus throw in my terrible hormones at the moment) At first I thought that maybe if I just pushed myself a bit more, I would get used to it an enjoy it. BUT I JUST DON’T . I keep telling myself I should. I keep scheduling things and events at night that I do not want to do. I end up going and feeling extremely tired and wanting to go home in an hour. I CAN just accept this is who I am. Maybe one day things will change. This is who I am RIGHT NOW and it is okay
that the world does not revolve around me. Not everyone is out to “get me”, take advantage of me, or make me out to be a fool. I want to start letting people ein more without shutting them out, thinking they will only try to hurt me. I can not control what people will do or say, but I can control allowing them a chance
Changes. Yup. It is unavoidable. Plans get broken, things change, crisis occur. I can not continue to get upset over the things in life that just pop up. Instead I CAN embrace and make what is best of the moment
The weight my body wants and needs to be at. My body is smart. It KNOWS what my healthy weight is. It knows exactly what it needs, where it needs to be and it really does not care whether it meets my high expectations or not. I can not control the natural weight my body needs, wants and deserves to be at. It knows it can not be too thin, or else things will stop. My body does not need me telling it what to do. My body does not need me to control my foods, cravings or portions. My body wants to help me. It wants to take that load of so that I do not have to THINK about what to eat and when to eat it, my body wants me to have fun, life and enjoy life. My body will tell me when it is hungry, what it is hungry for and what exactly it needs. My body does not follow a schedule or a plan. My body will just let me know.
It may not be my ideal of perfection, But I am letting that go. I strived too long for perfection and guess what, it was NEVER good enough. If I let go of trying to force it to be in an unnatural state, it frees up SO MUCH MORE time and space and energy for me to work on my interests, friendships, relationships, connections and hobbies. I am learning what a complete different world it is to be free from so much focus on how to change my body. It is too hard and too cruel to force my body to be a certain way. My body is just perfect as is, no matter if it is bigger or smaller or lopsided or lumpy.
My time and energy will be spent elsewhere, because in the end. Relationships, connections, happiness is so much more important. I am trusting my body to do its job so that I can do mine.
What are you will to let go of? Try it 🙂