enemies question you.” ~
About going here
Lacey Dress (In “Marie”) FYI It is NOT lacey 🙂
Going to NYC soon ?? (especially solo)? Check this out
Sometimes I feel I don’t need or want connection but that is NOT right at all. I do crave connection. But the RIGHT connection(s). What I don’t want is all the things that go along with it that make me feel uncomfortable. What I don’t want is others to rely on me or count on me or expect me to do and be their EVERYTHING. I don’t want people to be angry with me for turning down their offers. Yet I also don’t want them to STOP asking me because what if I do want to or feel like doing something. Selfish? Yes. Yet, I am the type of person/friend that if you need me or something or need to talk. I would/will be there. I just can’t connect physically every day. It’s too much for me. I like my routine and schedule and my freedom to float from place to place. I like to be a butterfly. Free. I like to read and unwind and sleep early. I love to get up early and get the most important things done and out of my way.
This is my shadow self.
The deep, ugly part of myself that I truly hate. This is my biggest struggle to overcome because I still feel WRONG. Articles I read, people I speak to, think I am wrong or weird for feeling this way. I constantly question myself. It’s not that I don’t want connection. I do actually want that. I guess what I really want is comfort. Being okay telling people EXACTLY how I feel. No, I don’t want you to see me or step into my “routines”. No, I don’t want you to judge me, no I don’t want you to give up on me and walk away, I want you to accept me as I am because I am not quite there yet. I am still struggling with the belief I am wrong. Maybe once I achieve this freedom of truly not caring. I will be able to form better connections with others, knowing that if I need/want to leave, cancel, etc, that I will still be loved and not discarded.
As always, my intentions are NEVER to hurt anyone. This NEVER has to do with anyone but me. I am empathic I CAN understand why another person would choose to walk away from me. Quite honestly, I am not certain I would be able to give someone like “me” my friendship either. I get it, truly do. There are certain things I am great at. I will get things done. If you ask, I will do the best I can. Yet I can’t be the many things others want or need me to be for them.
I am so fortunate for the people that accept me. I am so grateful for this! The person I feel most comfortable is my mother. She accepts me as I am. Yes, she voices her thoughts sometimes out of frustration, but she is still there for me, not giving up. Some times I will stop by her house and stay for 5-10 min. She says “Ok love you BYE, thanks for stopping” Other times I end up staying for hours, she reacts just the same. Yes, I see the happiness in her that I was able to stay longer and be at ease. This is easy for me with her because she does not have expectations of me. This feels so good and so freeing and I want all of my connections to be this fluid. I hate feeling that my freedom is being taken from me, it triggers many things for me. I can’t and won’t ever feel “stuck” again.
This has probably been the most difficult post/piece I have ever written. I think I have just realized my fear. It is being left behind if I am not the way someone else wants or needs me to be. xoxo
There are two types of people: 1. Those that arrive at the airport super early 2. Those that are running through the airport hoping to not miss their flight. Super Interesting! Which one are you? I’ll be at the airport 3 hrs early. Thank you very much. 🤓
Lucy and Lily 🙂
Great tool for helping you decide if it is a NEED or a WANT (read here)
My friend in France shared this amazing video about BREATHING and SO much more! Take a few minutes to watch it and…………breathe.
The Perfect relationship 🙂
Loneliness, Volunteering, and connection? How do they all connect? What a wonderful read. Yes. I think this is my “calling”. I think I am designed to volunteer and help others ]
I need to READ this daily. I think of authentic communication as sharing the unfiltered essence of ourselves with others, including our identities, feelings, needs, boundaries, and desires.
People at the pool, without judgment 🙂
Planet Earth, so calming 🙂
Miracle Creek – My husband asked me to lie. Not a big lie. He probably didn’t even consider it a lie, and neither did I, at first . . .It is getting good!
My Oxford Year – This also finally grasped me! I did not expect a sad turn , hoping for a happier ending
Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind – INFURIATING!
Deviled Crab Dip – You’re welcome 🙂
Cleaning out your closets? Read this article about donating 🙂
My new sneaks (from Everlane) have arrived! Last week after some research, I ordered these sneakers from Everlane for their sustainability and eco-friendliness! My initial thoughts are mixed. I love the quality. You can tell they are excellent quality. My first thoughts were that they would last a long time. About the shoe? They are very hard. Not flexible at all like typical sneakers. A bit difficult to put on. I wonder if they will soften with wear (I assume yes). I ordered a FULL size up, hesitantly, but am happy I did as they fit PERFECT (Definitely size up). I ordered the Navy Blue (size 9) in hopes I could wear these outdoors for my walks and they could handle the mud and dirt. I truly loved the light blue, “Glacier” color but opted for the Navy. I wonder if these will actually be comfortable to walk in (once they soften a bit) They do not have much support and are so stiff. I worry my feet will hurt. I love the way they are made and how supportive they feel, but I worry if they will be suitable for what I need. Also, the color…I don’t know, feels like it makes the shoes a bit “orthopedic” looking. Attaching a few photos would LOVE your thoughts 🙂