I can buy the Fruity Pebbles

Things you control:

Your effort. 
Your beliefs.
Your actions. 
Your attitude. 
Your integrity. 
Your thoughts. 
The food you eat.
How kind you are.
How reflective you are. 
How thoughtful you are.
The type of friend you are.
The information you consume.
The people you surround yourself with.

~FS Farnam

THINKING

Yesterday as I glided through the grocery store aisles with fervor and a mission (Get what I need and get OUT) My heart stopped for a moment. I had to catch my breath. Tears started to collect in my eyes. What is going on? Triggers. Memories. A small human was proudly holding a box of Lucky Charms cereal, skipping his little self over to his mom, showing the box to her, then turning around (with the box) and a sour face, and slowly walking (no longer skipping) back to replace it on the shelf.

Ouch. I have lived this story several times, yet for me, the box would have been Fruity Pebbles, thoughts, beliefs, and my own interests. As I child, I wanted so much. I craved, yearned for and thought I needed certain things. Most of the time being told “NO, that is not the right/correct/proper choice”. Whether at home or school or with friends, this was an every day occurrence.“No, Diana, that is not the right choice”. So , over time, I molded. I knew what disappointment felt like, and it did not feel good. So I began to make the “right” choices, or the choices OTHERS wanted me to make. It was just easier. Less mess and stress. Less disappointment for others. Not realizing the disappointment I was curating in myself.

So it is only natural that I continued this process and beliefs through my adult life. Overtime I lost grasp of what it is that I needed and wanted. Of course I didn’t “Need” Fruit Pebbles, but I sure as hell wanted them. Yet I felt ashamed. How could I want such extravagant things. Shouldn’t I be happy with the things I have or get to have or that are chosen for me?

So Fruity Pebbles turned into relationships, careers, friendships. I molded myself, trained myself, punished myself to fit what others wanted or what societies ideals were. Over time I became numb and immune to myself. I didn’t know what I liked, enjoyed, or even wanted. Decisions became painful as an adult, WHAT if I made the WRONG choice? What would happen?

I stopped trusting myself. I turned to control. I had to contort myself, wants and needs to match what others wanted, because clearly that was the way, in my eyes. I don’t believe it was every anyone in my life’s intent to do this, but as an impressionable child, this is how I internalized it.

So today, I am trying to let that little child inside me feel and want. It is so hard at times, and very unnatural to go against what others think, want or say. Listening to my gut is hard. It is work. It is many hours of deep thought, journaling and reassuring that little “Diana” that never had the opportunity to really think for herself. It does not come naturally to me, and often times the process exhausts me.

If someone challenges me, my initial reaction is most of the time “Oh my goodness, I am bad, I am wrong.” But I am strong enough and wise enough now to know that is not true. I know what is best for me. I know what I need and want. I am able to eat the Fruity Pebbles if I want. I can break all my rules, because I am the one that instilled them over the years. Yet how easily I forget that I can really do antyhing I want. That does not mean it will not come without a learning curve or consequences, but I can try and learn and grow from my decisions and choices.

I don’t give in to my needs and wants enough. And this year, is the year that I will. Without guilt. I will work harder than ever to not let anyone tell me that my decisions are stupid, wrong, silly, again. I surprise myself every day. I am learning about myself. I am giving in to my own values and beliefs. I am rebuilding and recreating. I am a work in progress.

SHARING

Gorgeous, if you have a Spring wedding or event

I have this, and it is great for travel. All your devices in one place!

Flashy, one shoulder spring wedding option, at a reasonable price!

Simple, elegant sheath dress

What a FUN (amazon) dress!

$50 H&M Dress? Sign me up!

I am going to say it, I absolutely DESPISE the loafer shoe look, brings back so many (((terrible))) memories. But you do you!

These carrot cake pancakes look like such an amazing spring brunch/breakfast star!

Great tank dress, similar and less $$ here

Birthday wishes……

This week is my mom’s birthday, AND I get to see her!! It is only for a day (maybe two) But that means the world to me. She is my best friend. My inspiration, and more than anything I am so proud of her. Every day I wish and inspire to be like her. She is open to feedback. She is accepting of others (sometimes too much). She works so hard to understand, and I know it must not be an easy feat for her. She is my world. She brings me joy and happiness and I hope I give her the same vibe. I love that she has taught me tradition, yet is willing to step away from it and experience and try some of the things I also enjoy. Happy Birthday to the most amazing human in this world. Thank you for everything you do, say and deal with. I am so proud of you and want the world to know. Cheers to YOU. Cheers to US. Sto Lat!

WANTING

SO. DAMN. CUTE

What a gorgeous skirt

This is so beautiful, yes, it reminds me of a nightgown, but it also brings me nostalgia, back to my teen days, shopping with my cousin at Abercrombie and Fitch, for that perfect summer white dress

This dress is SOOOOO good, not only is it sustainable, it is also convertible? You can wear it several ways, and it looks so comfy

Cute eyelet dress at a great price

These swanky coupe glasses, look very close to their much more expensive Estelle counterparts

Pretty, floral and flow skirt

READING

If you struggle to get your KIDS to read, you may want to check out this new program, Read for 15, a challenge started by Chiefs star quarterback, Patrick Mahomes (his number is, YUP, you guessed it, 15!)

Currently Reading: Hello, Beautiful (LOVING its deep character development and family drama. I thoroughly enjoy a deep character driven book and this is it.

The Accomplice ( This is incredibly hard to PUT DOWN, so much pull to see what will happen?!)

Read: Just Mercy (This is a must read! So eye opening)

So many great recommendations for your next read HERE. Let me know what you pick!

Fake Happiness

“Fake happiness is the worst kind of sadness.” ― Dominic Riccitello

WANTING

The perfect cut offs

What a FUN dress for a fancy event!

Perfect dress for spring break to romp around in!

Love the collar-less denim look! And I adore this little sweater/cover up

This cover up , could totally double as a dress!

This adorable little bralette looks SO comfy!

Just the CUTEST clutch!!!

Sweet tweed blazer

Pretty pearls! would look FAB with this feminine top

Yup, love this denim shift dress, major Daisy Jones vibes 🙂

A great slouchy bag for spring

LOVE the back on this springy dress

Turbo Tax’s filing status shows a woman with a cat……for “single”…….I think I will be taking my business elsewhere this year

However, speaking of cats, I think mine would LOVE this robotic fish toy. Perhaps I would enjoy watching this go down even more 🙂

Cute filing situation for my new home office

SHARING

I can’t believe I STILL have not tried an espresso martini! Here are 15 places WORTH traveling to, to try one 😉 I am not surprised, NYC has at least 3 on the list. I sense an upcoming trip, very soon! I think an espresso martini would be the perfect accompaniment to a great book…..at a bar

75 journal prompts. I will be slowly writing my way through these

THINKING

On Fakeness

I had a lovely, thought provoking conversation with a friend last night. In fact, I recall this word flouncing itself quite often within my friend group lately. It sparked a glaring introspective process for me. Where in my own life am I being “fake”.

Fake as an adjective (According to Websters’) : not true, real, or genuine

Fake as a noun:  a worthless imitation passed off as genuine

I don’t believe my inauthenticity is contrived, or spiteful. I do believe it is partially contrived from society and what we “should” be thinking or doing, in order to be considered a “Good Human”

Yet, I can’t help the fact that things do feel inauthentic to me. I am tired of playing the part. I am exhausted from performing, for fear of being valued as “less than”. Yet, I am doing myself a disservice by continually forcing myself into this space that is not for me. It made me think “HOW MANY OF US ARE DOING THIS DAILY?”

If I say no to a friend’s invitation, I feel like a terrible, selfish friend. Yet, when my instincts are telling me how I feel, I don’t want to listen. I ignore. Push away, devalue myself. There MUST be something wrong with me for feeling this way.

When I am annoyed at work, or just need my space, I feel guilty. How can I feel this way when there are so many lives and futures and molding of small humans to be done? Yet, why is it ONLY my responsibility to take on this huge task? WHY am I so unmotivated, while others seem to be so inspired? I attack myself and my values. What is wrong with me?

When I want to stay home or have a quiet weekend (my favorite thing) I feel the sense of dramatizing it or finely rephrasing to make it look like I have done something magical, unforgettable.

When I want to apologize for being ME. The quiet. Introverted. Calm, quiet, peacefully soothing loving person I am.

I love quiet, serene, escapes. I love darkness. Dark colors, warmness. I crave alone time. Or 1-1 interaction, in short bursts. I dream of order and dread disorder. I love anti-climatic, I enjoy greens and blues and purples. I am pissed the sun is still shining at 7 pm ( I want my darkness back). I am angry that I no longer love the things I once THOUGHT I did (Did I ever really love those things? Or was I told to love them). I love to make decisions, then change my mind. But I don’t love of feeling others’ rely on me

I do not lack push or motivation. I am intrinsically motivated and inspired. I am content doing things and being with myself. I know others aren’t and that is ok, but sometimes I feel that I have empathy for others, yet I am not certain if they have empathy for me…….and this is where I still need work. I need to let go of that fear, of being judged. And just follow my heart and my instinct, and believe what is best for me, may not be satisfactory to someone else.

I find myself falling deeper and deeper into my “Shadow” self. The part of me that I once kept hidden, for shame or fear. I find myself caring less each day, a tidbit, not all at once, and am proud of who I am and who I am becoming

I am finding myself. I am starting to love myself. Not to say, I don’t have moments, days or even weeks of self questioning or beating myself up, but I also have more moments of “Yes, that is who I am and what I love”

I don’t fully understand those that are unlike me, and that is ok. As I am sure it is mutual. But it is also not my concern or worry or burden

So here I am. Like me or not. Like my ways or not. I am taking up space. My space. And I deserve to be heard and seen. SO ARE YOU

READING

Stealing

Since her mother’s death, Kit Crockett has lived with her grief-stricken father, spending lonely days far out in the country tending the garden, fishing in a local stream, and reading Nancy Drew mysteries from the library bookmobile.  One day when Kit discovers a mysterious and beautiful woman has moved in just down the road, she is intrigued.

Kit and her new neighbor Bella become fast friends. Both outsiders, they take comfort in each other’s company. But malice lurks near their quiet bayou and Kit suddenly finds herself at the center of tragic, fatal crime.  Soon, Kit is ripped from her home and Cherokee family and sent to Ashley Lordard, a religious boarding school. Along with the other Native students, Kit is stripped of her heritage, force-fed Christian indoctrination, and is sexually abused by the director. But Kit, as strong-willed and shrewd as ever, secretly keeps a journal recounting what she remembers—and revealing just what she has forgotten. Over the course of Stealing, she slowly unravels the truth of how she ended up at the school—and plots a way out.

In swift, sharp, and stunning prose, Margaret Verble spins a powerful coming-of age tale and reaffirms her place as an indelible storyteller and chronicler of history.

I wanted to love this book more than I actually did. The premise is insightful, yet the writing fell flat for me. It is written from a child’s perspective, which I felt frustrating to read, at times. I understand this was probably the goal, but it was frustrating beyond belief to hear the same version described over and over again, without depth, because a child is just not capable of that. Although this was a quick and engaging read, I wanted a bit more from it. It is still worth the read, but I felt that the terribleness of the situation was glossed over a bit and the true horror was not portrayed as it should have been. 3.25/5 stars for me

On My Radar: Pineapple Street , Stone Cold Fox

Currently Reading: The Accomplice, The Sweet Spot

Some more spring read suggestions – What is on YOUR radar?

Fresh

“Every sunset is an opportunity to reset. Every sunrise begins with new eyes.”
— Richie Norton

Cherry Grove, SC

READING

This year has been challenging to say the least. My emotions have been all over the place and so many winter days were spent wallowing in deep sadness. Reading and books have transported me to worlds beyond my greatest imagination. I am so grateful for this little piece of hope and light that got me through some very dark times. Enjoy some of my recent reads:

The Housemaid’s Secret (Free on Amazon Kindle Unlimited). I have to say this was quite engaging! I needed something to hold in my hands before bed and make me not fall right asleep! This did the trick! Was it the best writing and story line? No. But was it engaging and fast moving? Yes! 3.5/5 stars

The Writing Retreat – so much hype but this one fell flat for me! It felt more like a YA fictional tale than a psychological thriller. The writing and retreat in the title pulled me in. It was quick moving and fast paced, but I found the characters VERY unlikable and the story line very far fetched and not believable. 3/5 stars

Heart Bones by Colleen Hoover – Beyah and Samson are both drawn to darkness and sadness, so it is fitting that they are drawn to each other. Not my favorite Colleen Hoover but it was enjoyable. The plot did hook me and I was curious to see how things would play out. It was at times painstakingly slow watching these two form a relationship. Yet it was likable enough. 3/5 stars

The House of Eve – by far my favorite read this month! Beautifully written and loved both story lines (Elenor and Ruby) Womanhood, race, class and so much more. This is the sort of historical fiction I adore. Loved the setting in Philadelphia as well, my own backyard! 4.5/5 stars

Really Good, Actually. I wanted to love this as the storyline and plot sound right up my alley, but I just could not do it. I DNF’ed at about 50%. Life is too short to stick with books that do not grasp you. Maybe it will be for you, however (see synoposis below)

Maggie’s marriage has ended just 608 days after it started, but she’s fine – she’s doing really good, actually. Sure, she’s alone for the first time in her life, can’t afford her rent and her obscure PhD is going nowhere . . . but at the age of twenty-nine, Maggie is determined to embrace her new status as a Surprisingly Young Divorcée™.

Soon she’s taking up ‘sadness hobbies’ and getting back out there, sex-wise, oversharing in the group chat and drinking with her high-intensity new divorced friend Amy. As Maggie throws herself headlong into the chaos of her first year of divorce, she finds herself questioning everything, including: Why do we still get married? Did I fail before I even got started? How many Night Burgers until I’m happy?

Laugh-out-loud funny, razor sharp and painfully relatable, Really Good, Actually is an irresistible debut novel about the uncertainties of modern love, friendship and happiness from a stunning new voice in fiction, Monica Heisey.

CURRENTLY READING: Stealing. Unputdownable!

THINKING

Trapped

For decades I have felt like a caged animal. Trapped. Unable to do and say as I want. Masterfully navigating others emotions and moods. Terrified of others actions and how the would (and did) affect me. Threatened and abused. Neglected. Shunned. Quieted. Unheard. So I fought back, the only way I could. The one way I could easily control myself and my body. Food, or lack of it.

There were moments, days, where I was filled with terror and dread. Feeling so hopeless, yet grasping to any morsel of hope that I could find. And I did. I always did. No matter how bad things got, I was always able to find the good, specifically in others, which now I see, did not deserve that.

Everyone has a history. A story. A past. Our experiences can never truly be understood by anyone but ourselves or our past selves. So today, I find myself full of anger. When triggered by others I feel trapped into their beliefs, preachings, thoughts. I want to rebel. Fight back. Run, scream.

I find myself slowly at first, faster now, breaking free of the outer shell. It has been cracked, bruised, and battered, and rebuilding or repairing sounds foolish. Building a new layer sounds like the better option.

I realize I can’t control others around me, and there are instances that we really do not have a choice. Our careers, relationships and daily interactions take a bit of our freedom

But I am tired. I am tired of caving, catering to others, feeling trapped. I can’t do it any longer. It is not something that has happened over night. It has been a gradual build up. But I am ready. I feel ready. I will never let anyone cage me again. I am tired of NOT being me. Here I am.

I will no longer hide myself, for fear of what others may think or say.

Hope or hopeless

These two words appear ceaselessly throughout my days (trapped)

One moment I am filled with hope, the next hopeless (Trapped)

Traditionally I have always been a black/white thinker.  (trapped)

This is difficult to change. It’s hard. It is uncomfortable. I sabotage myself and don’t want to be flexible and find that gray areas. I would rather stay in my safe, depressing, self sabotaging hole. (trapped)

I gravitate towards that negativity. It just feels better in my body.  It feels right, safe, comforting. Yet, it is the opposite It is harsh and unkind and unloving (trapped)

So is it that deep down I feel unworthy of loving myself/ or being loved by anyone else? Possibly.  (trapped)

The thing is…..I like who I am. I like the dark, sad, and depressing parts to me. I also enjoy the differences I have, that I am “not” like most (or am I?!?). I love quiet lunches. I love solo travel. I love being in my own head. I enjoy being around others, but love being with myself. I feel a lot of push back about this, and that is okay. I am content and satisfied being me. (FREE)

SHARING

I am FINALLY getting a Murphy bed AND redoing my home office space!

To say I am excited is an understatement! So much fun planning and organizing. The not so fun is getting rid of old furniture, cleaning, and spending. But how amazing it feels to make progress! Can’t wait to share my completed room (in time)

I am loving this desk, in pebble

I am excited to find some artwork that makes my heart sing and some bookish touches to my cozy office space/reading nook!

Also..…I may be the minority here, but I am sad to gain an extra hour of daylight. There is something about the darkness that suits me. Finds me. Consoles me. I love those early dark days and dark mornings. The nighttime feels alive and hopeful to me. I feel my best and have my greatest thoughts and inspiration during those dark, quiet hours. I am very much looking forward to sunshine, warmth and longer days, but I would be lying if I were to say I will not miss those 6 pm dark times. I feel cozy, safe and wrapped like a big hug in those early dark evenings….Until next winter!

Practice your typing skills with Monkeytype

WANTING

How lovely it would be to move to the UK and open a book shop with my bestie?

Office inspiration: This oval fixture, this display (for all my books!), (more affordable option here), and the one I will most likely settle for

Would LOVE to go to D.C. to see the Cherry Blossoms this spring

Loving the tweed jacket look for Spring

This Anthro dress makes me want to have a tan and walk in the sand, holding my sandals in one hand, cocktail in another….

J. Crew has some fabulous jewelry, like these earrings (I have these and LOVE, they are heavy though, beware)

Classic Elegance

Cute Amazon find