Ten things Tuesday

ONE

Being sick really makes you appreciate your health.  I despise being sick. I can not stand that I am forced to lay in bed to rest and recover. It feels like torture, yet in a weird way sort of……….a relief? I finally felt like I have a “reason” to rest. Its sad to say, I need to allow myself more rest, or else I will be out and down again.  Regardless, after about a week, I am still feeling tired, stuffy, groggy, BUT it is in no way like it was at the beginning of last week.

I was bummed that I got sick right before my mama visited BUT we really did make the best of it and she took SUCH wonderful care of me

 

TWO

I am famous! 🙂

Ok, so not really, but while my mom was visiting, we were wandering around Market Common and came across some local magazines where a picture was featured from a bike ride that a friend and I took a few weeks ago!! The bikes were electric powered with their own little individual motor. I highly recommend giving them a test ride if you are here (or somewhere that has them ! I hear they are on the West coast!)

There we are !!! Upper right hand corner!!

THREE

Matcha tea and Mama time

God how I love coffee, tea and my mom. We stopped by a staple of ours, The Roasted Bean.  I tried out the new matcha tea (which has extra doses of antioxidants to help me get better) while mom sipped on her coffee. I love just sitting around and chatting with this amazing woman. She is so strong and always makes me feel better. She gives me such a sense of love and security. There is not a better feeling in the world ❤

FOUR

Pumpkin Party!

Getting over being sick, having a few stressful days at work, anxiety and a ………….PUMPKIN party. I doubt myself so much. I think I will not be capable of having a good time when I feel so crappy BUT to my surprise I was actually able to leave my day in the past and live in the present. I am so so so happy I had wonderful friends and family over for a pumpkin carving party. I learned so much about my newest friends and more importantly got to see their creativity sparkle and shine

Aren’t these two just the cutest!?  🙂

I call this one “Jack”. He’s a regular ol’ Jack-O-lantern. Absolutely perfect. My mom has some talent!

 

We even had a schizophrenic pumpkin crash our party

 

I love them all!

FIVE

Halloween surprises from a friend!!!!! 🙂  How sweet is that!?

SIX

Pay it forward

My mom and I went to church on Sunday and were a little early, so what to do??? Get a coffee of course!! I headed over to starbucks, when we pulled up to pay for our order, we were told the car in front of us bought our drinks!! So we paid it forward and bought the car load behind us their treats! Someone made US smile, I hope we were able to make them smile too!

SEVEN

Lovin’ lately

  UMMMMMM ROBIN!!!!! 🙂

EIGHT

Coffee, I love you again!

Whenever I am sick the first thing to go ………….my taste/desire for coffee!! The smell of it makes me nauseous.  How can something I love so much do this to me!?  What are your aversions when you feel sick??

 

NINE

love hearing YOUR story

I really love meeting new people and hearing their stories. I love learning new things, people, places, experiences.

 

TEN

Halloween!

This weekend the ghosts and goblins come out! The little ones go out trick or treating. The older ones get sexified and party it up. Me, I kinda just want to sit home, watch scary movies, hand out candy……Sure I may sound boring but I guess this is me and what I like 🙂  I’ve done all that.

What are you doing for Halloween!?

 

 

Flailing and failing

Lately my blog has been flailing AND failing.
I feel like one of those crazy blow up dolls stores use to annoy motivate you  

  
It used to serve as my outlet and release. Or a place I could write about all the exciting things I did or plan to do.  Lately my life has allowed no time for a passion of mine

And it’s all my fault

  
I have allowed myself to get caught up and stressed over things that don’t “serve” me. I have lost focus on something that was once (not long ago) becoming so clear. I have allowed it to happen again. 
 

I can’t continue to allow things and feelings to control me and hold me back. It’s not fair to me and others around me. (Sorry mom!)

I feel like a few months ago I was a different person. I found excitement and passion in things. I enjoyed traveling, trying new foods, meeting new people, learning new things.  My trip to New Orleans was so magical. A growing experience. I look at pictures and had  a fire in my eyes and smile. 

        Then a move, new job and tons of responsibility came into play. I have let it consume me and overwhelm me. I have allowed it to take the uniqueness and life out of myself. I have been faking it. Pretending to be fulfilled and happy   Yet I am not.  Something is missing. It is ME that is missing. My voice.  Standing up for myself and feeling confident .   I fill my time with activities hoping they will being me happiness.  All they are bringing me is more ways to avoid the problem. Being afraid to have a voice. 

  
Until I let that voice come through all the activities In The world will not bring me joy. 

I have allowed the overwhelming feelings to just build and In turn take it out on myself in a form of self hate.  Telling myself I’m not good enough. Smart enough.  Thin enough.  I assure myself things would be different if I dressed nicer, was thinner, was more fit, stronger. losing  focus of what I have to be grateful for RIGHT NOW

Once I beat myself up with food and exercise.  Now it’s verbal abuse resulting in the same defeated terrible feeling about myself.    

 So my new goal is to get that passion back. 

Life is too short to sit around and mope. I have tried it. It does not work 

 I need and want to live right now because there are so many wonderful things around.

  
  And more importantly I need to stand up for what I feel is wrong or when I feel I am being taken advantage of. not being In The greatest place at the moment , have allowed myself to think I’m not worthy of a voice.  Yet I am! My voice is so important. I know a lot! I know what is best for me. I need to take risks even if I fail at times, or am laughed at or disagreed with.  That’s the only way I will grow and become strong again mentally and physically

So I am proud of myself for owning up to these feelings and finally deciding to do something about it and not just continue to let it grow. By losing my voice I lose myself and I can’t allow that to happen. I have worked too hard to get to where I am. I won’t allow anyone, especially myself, to stand in my way!
I leave you with a favorite quote I just saw…..

  

 

Finding and practicing PEACE

life really is a roller coaster.  Emotions, feelings, physical well being, mental.  All go up and down ………….all week long

Some Friday’s come and I wonders”how did I make it through the week??”

Things have been tough for me lately.  I am battling some true exhaustion.

What I am learning is to find peace within myself and stop trying to do EVERYTHING

My problem?

I want to do everything and be everything all the time. I always thought I was special and could somehow swing this super natural trick.
Well it has caught up to me and I am paying greatly both physically and emotionally

Why do we always feel we need to be more and do more? Why can’t we just be ok with where we are?

For me it’s more about a personal struggle.  My brain tells me I have to do more or better than yesterday or “last time”

How it manifests?

In yoga…. I force and push myself to pain.  Often times I do things that do NOT feel good because maybe the day before or last week I could easily do them.  Yet I stop listening to my body and ignore that voice.

Where does this get me? In pain and pretty much unable to walk or move properly for at least a day or two

Walking.  I love walking and listening to my podcasts or audiobooks. On the beach. Around my neighborhood.  New places same place.  Great!

Yet I also  like to force myself to “walk” when I am tired , sore or just plain do not feel like it.  Yes some days I need it. Others it just makes me feel worse.  I need to leant to listen to my body once again but I let that ugly angry selfish ED take over

Work.  I focus on doing more.  Learning more.  Being more. Yet fail to be present in the moment.  I need to trust myself and learn the way I need to.  Slowly. Hands on.  And one thing at a time. Instead of trying to tackle and learn it all at once!  By doing this it’s not serving me only adding to my exhaustion.  I need to allow myself to slow down so that I can really “get” things.  Time frame should not matter

My weekend to do list.  It fills quickly. I’m afraid of being alone with myself and thoughts for too long. They make me incomfortable. Soooooo I jam pack my schedule. GreT right? Wrong!  This leads me to anxiety because

1. I am rushing to get places I have made commitments to.

2. It exhausts me.

3. Causes feelings of dread rather than pleasure. (Who would enjy rushing around all day from place to place just to fill your time)

Doing one thing or nothing is good enough. I do not have to do everything. Most importantly I have to do what feels good and right for me.
Yet I feel guilty.  I feel guilty turning friends down. I want to be social but right now, today, I need “me” time to just think and sort through things.  

I just hope that I can be gentler on myself and hope others can give me the space I need to for the moment without taking it personally. 
My days are busy. My nights are quiet and for me…… 

My plans for the evening……. 

  

  

Thankful Thursday

I have been in a bit of a funk lately. Just feeling kind of down about myself personally. So I want to share all the wonderful things that I am truly grateful for 🙂

Thankful

a fellow co-worker reaching out to me 🙂 She asked me How I was doing with my move and adjusting and wanted me to know I am not alone and can always call her if I need to 🙂  That was so sweet and so unexpected!

Reminder to share and pass the love forward!

Thankful

The rain has stopped!

Seriously, we suffered through some terrible rain and floods. This weather is a true reminder of how unpredictable weather and LIFE can be 🙂  The past few days have been GORGEOUS. Cool mornings and evenings, warm sunny days and rain free !

Thankful

That I was able to make it to the beach this week for a nice, long walk!!

Thankful

For not ONE but TWO new walking buddies (No Lily you are NOT being replaced)

Just a reminder that there are people with similar interests to mine!

One of my favorite things to do……….walk and talk with a friend ❤

Thankful

That Mama J comes to visit in ONE WEEK!!!

Thankful

for a nice little chat with a wonderful friend in NJ. I love that she and I are going through such similar things in our lives. I love talking to her and feel like I can really be open , honest and relate so much to her.  She instantly makes me smile. Thanks R! We need to make a weekly update chat !

Thankful

That tomorrow is FRIDAY!

Thankful

yoga. Seriously. This has been my saving grace. It puts me in such a better place. The instructors and my fellow yogi’s are pretty amazing!

Thankful

not body shaming.

Body shaming is such an epidemic. Being mindful to thoughts about others and their bodies is important because it is NOT important. If that makes sense. Less judgement on others bodies, appearances, diets, etc. Let them do what is best for them. Happiness and health comes in many shapes and sizes.  Lets all try to stop judging. Be kinder to yourself and others!

Thankful

Dried edamame

OMG OMG OMG this stuff is so good, great little snack or to throw some crunch in your salad! I am kinda addicted. No worries Peanut butter you are STILL my # 1 . You will NEVER be replaced!

Thankful

that today my body felt BETTER than yesterday. Yesterday my hip and hamstring were so sore, painful and tight. I took it easy, stretched, rested and TODAY I felt so much better!!

Thankful

for my book clubs! I’ve met so many wonderful girls (That love books!) As well as read some pretty fabulous reads! This week I am starting:

Have you read it? Thoughts?

Thankful

for my mom’s help and listening ear , as usual

Thankful

for fall. I am excited to go pumpkin picking, make some yummy treats, see kiddos in costume and just enjoy the FALL Y’ALL!

YOUR TURN

1.  What are you reading?
2. What are you most thankful for this week?
3. One thing you love about yourself MOST this week?

Saturday safes

Safe

First and foremost my community is safe from the flooding! I was worried to go back to school anticipating terrible stories of damage,loss and destruction but we were very fortunate.  I am so grateful~

Safe

Attempting to make these!

It is a process.  I already spray painted now I need to sit down and sketch my spooky picture 🙂

Safe

Yoga!

My goodness! I found so many wonderful yoga studios close by! My go to is Yoga DiVita which is right down the road and perfect for weekday after work stress down!
I also tried yoga in common for their hot yoga and Exhale yoga which IS my new current favorite!

after months of feeling awful physically and mentally I feel like I am finally regaining some strength

The yoga is helping I just need to remember not to push myself to the point of pain because that is when I end up paying for it…..by barely being able to walk~
That is the scary part about hot yoga.  The heat opens you up more so you think and can go four ther but you must listen to your body!

If it doesn’t feel good. Don’t do it.

If it doesn’t taste good? Don’t eat it.

If it doesn’t serve you.  Don’t do it

Safe

My mama is coming!!! I can not wait.

My type a personality came up with a fun itinerary to do while she is here.

Now I have no expectations. If we do it all great! If we do some.  Perfect.  If we do none and have an agenda of our own! So be it. But it was fun coming up with a little plan!

Sneak peak? Belly dancing , surfer town, trader joes, shops, coffee, murder mystery….oh my 🙂

Safe

Ready Player One (Book!)

Great book! I read it for my book club this month **but warning**. Background knowledge of 80’s video games, tv shows, etc recommended.  I enjoyed this book but am not very in tune with video games and such.  So at times it was a bit much for me, a lot of game and futuristic talk. Its hard for someone that likes more personal, realistic things.  I just do not have a passion for that sort of stuff.  It was way out of the typical genres I enjoy.  So ……..I am proud of myself for sticking through it and enjoying it for what I got out of it
My big picture message?  We need people and relationships to balance ourselves and live fulfilled lives

Movie/Book Review!! ****

Yesterday I was feeling d-o-w-n.  A friend seems to always know when I feel this way and suggested a movie/book for me to read or watch.

I was in a rut. I am stuck inside because of rain and flooding. I did NOT feel like reading anymore

Watching movies and television is equally as hard. I tend to deprive myself of pleasure out of “guilt”.  I feel like I should always be doing something productive YET, watching tv and read can and IS productive because it is teaching me something new and forcing me to relax

So I would like to thank “B” for yet another wonderful recommendation. You can see my review below, some insight, some of my favorite quotes, etc.

I hope you too will take some time when you feeling down (OR feeling wonderful) to check this out.

The Shift by Wayne Dyer

*Sadly Dr. Wayne Dyer passed away on August 30, 2015. As a tribute to him and his messages of hope and inspiration, his movie is available online to view for free Check it out

Dr. Wayne Dyer is an internationally renowned author and speaker in the fields of self-development and spiritual growth. He’s the author of over 41 books, including 21 New York Times bestsellers. He has created many audio and video programs, and has appeared on thousands of television and radio shows.  He also has 10 PBS Specials which have
raised over $250 million dollars for public television

Read more about him here

Setting: 

The movie takes place on beautiful coastal California at Monterey Peninsula.  It definitely reminds to you actually open your eyes and look at all the wonderful things RIGHT in front of you (I am taking my own advice, I live by some pretty amazing scenery)

One of my favorites is in it 🙂 Portia De Rossi

After reading her memoir about her eating disorder. She has become a favorite of mine 🙂

About:

Watch it. This is a movie you need to watch. Me telling you about it is not going to do much for you. Yes the movie can be a little “corny” at times with the acting, but it all serves a purpose and most importantly a message.

The big message (for me)

The movie inspires you (All of us) and reminds us that we should live our lives by the 4 cardinal virtues. They are not weird or hokey, they are realistic and believable AND attainable:

1-  Reverence for All Life

Which simply means respect. Respect for ourselves, others, nature, etc.

2-  Natural Sincerity

Being honest with ourselves and others. This can and IS very difficult at times.

3-  Gentleness

Being kind

4-  Supportiveness

Helping others. How can you help someone else today? Sincerely? Not out of expecting something in return

Woah. That is NOT a lot, but IS a lot!

Something to work towards and remember daily ❤

We all run around day to to living our lives. Trying to be the best, trying to have nice things, trying to wear nice clothes, trying to be super humans and handle it all.  Perfectionism is huge in our society, along with HOW we look.  We loose focus so quickly of what really is important

It is HARD to change. I know I struggle daily with trying to let go of things I spent 35 years beating into my own head.

I want to start living more by the virtues.  This is a goal that I can always refer back to, especially in times when I need help making decisions. I can ask myself where it will fit in one of those “virtues”.

I thought the research to be pretty impressive. Men and woman were asked to list the top 5 things they valued BEFORE learning and practicing a kinder, gentler way of living. Here are the results:

Before “The Shift”
(MEN)

1.   wealth
2. achievement
3. adventure
4. pleasure
5. being respected

AFTER

1,  Spirituality

2.  personal peace

3.  family

4.  gods will

5.  honesty

Before “The Shift”

(Women)

1.  family
2. Independence
3. career
4. fitting in
5. attractiveness

After

1.  Own personal growth
2. self esteem
3. spirtituality
4. happiness
5. forgiveness.

Wow. I know personally, the AFTER is what I would like to strive for

some quotes I loved

“We ignore what is right in front of us because we busy ourselves with other things” (THis is SO true for me)

“Show up, pay attention, and YOUR music just happens”

“No one is perfect, we are all a work in progress”
“Stop the fight of MAKING things happen and begin to just let them happen”

“We are all here for a reason, we just need to open our eyes”

YOUR TURN

1.  Where do you see yourself currently? What are your top 5 values in life ? Are you happy with them?

Soul searching Sunday

Some days I get these moments of extreme panic in fear………… right now is one of them. I know they will go away (and always do) but the moments are still there
I look around and I’m scared

I don’t really know anyone and it makes me feel scared and alone. Yes, this is what comes with moving to a new place. I get it, it is just uncomfortable and I know it does not have to be

SO

I turn to food and exercise because that is my comfort zone. Those things make me feel safe. They fill my mind with thoughts so I can avoid the uncomfort of being afraid and alone.

BUT I have managed to do so in a much healthier way, so I give myself credit. Instead of forcing myself to run miles on miles, racing against myself, setting unrealistic goals and limits, pushing through pain. I NOW practice gentle yoga and go for walks.

This is so healthy and so huge BUT the problem is, that is what I ALWAYS turn to.

” I feel alone, I feel scared”  Let me go “excercise”, let me make something healthy for the week…………this are great BUT I want to also do other things. Call a friend, draw, paint, do a craft, etc etc

I do not want to solely rely on food and exercise to make me feel better. There are other ways too

The thoughts are still there and I can’t get them to go away no matter how hard I try,  No matter how much I try to distract myself, no matter how much I keep pushing myself to move forward

Those ugly thoughts are there and I look around to see people losing their homes, starving, not having a place to go and I feel so selfish for the thoughts that go through my head
Yet there is no avoiding them.  Part of it is admitting it to myself and out loud no matter how shallow or selfish it may seem.  I am trying to decrease those thoughts by HELPING those that need it. yet I am scared of this too

Today I have a few opportunities to be with friends and do things I enjoy
My head immediately fills with panic.  What if there is nothing for me to eat there? What if people don’t like me? What if I look like I have an eating disorder? What if what if what if
What if I stop caring with the world around me thinks because I know they have other things to worry about and are not concerned with what goes on my plate or in my belly
That is my own decision I will eat what I want and what makes me feel good
Yet these thoughts prevent me from being able to truly engage and enjoy social events which I really need
I really need to be around people. They are not judging me, I am judging myself. I am the bully

My initial reaction is to want to be alone because I know then no one can hurt me or dislike me or judge me.  I guess deep down that is when I am truly fearful of
I’m afraid to gain a lot of weight for fear that people won’t like me anymore

What I have always been known for I’m no longer known for and I feel like there’s not much that makes me special
Yet now is the time in life where I find those things and let them shine because I know deep down I have a lot of special qualities

Those are my Sunday thoughts for the day

my goal is to try to be in the moment enjoy people enjoy conversations and not let those evil thoughts get in my way
Life is too short to miss out on opportunities over silly fears
So being very honest with myself and all of my readers I will admit yes I am on the road to recovery but those thoughts are still there they eat at me literally

They drain me they make me unhappy.

They make me want to avoid people they make me want to go and hide

they make me question myself and my confidence
 I don’t know what it is that I fear or am afraid of
I think most of all I’m afraid of being alone

at this time I am slowly beginning to find me set up I’m surprising myself and others in many ways /

In a way I feel this is unfair to others because how can I be friends with someone when I don’t even know myself?
Yet I suppose that is what life is about. The people around me will only help me discover myself.  Some people will like me and some people won’t. That’s how the world works

I need to stop worrying so much about that and just start living in trying to be a genuine person that’s inside ……somewhere

Your turn
Three words that describe you?

Three words that your closest friend would use to describe you?

Culture and “Credit”

Who said Myrtle Beach has NO culture ????(well umm I did!)

Once again I prove myself wrong.

The once occupied castle by the beach, Atalaya, held its annual craft fair this past weekend.

The VERY talented artists set up inside (and outside) the once bustling castle owned by the industrialist and philanthropist Archer M. Huntington and his wife, the sculptor Anna Hyatt Huntington, located in Huntington Beach State Park near the Atlantic coast in Murrells Inlet, Georgetown County, South Carolina.

 

What talent! From painting to jewlery to large fire pits. I fell in love with a ring but could not justify the $270 price tag (although well worth the hard work and talent)

This weekend also boasted the Greek festival. Tons of food and music

I also got to test out the newest bike on the east coast (not so new on the west coast). Electric bikes

Woah. These things are cool and super fast! Sort of defeats the whole exercise aspect but still fun and wonderful for an older Couple looking get outside and explore.  It was fun tackling the wind and uphills with ease!

So I have been keeping myself busy, trying to enjoy my life , which is uncomfortable at times BUT remaining positive.

I realize that you can be happy anywhere. It is a choice.  Something I am having a difficult time with but know deep down it is TRUE and attainable.

Something I have struggled with for so very long is also………perfection. I have always strived to be the best or perfect at things in my life. Having others see me as perfect, made me “feel ” perfect, yet not really so, because deep down I still felt like …..crap.

The perfect teacher. The perfect friend. The perfect runner. The perfect health nut. The perfect …..everything.

I wanted to be #1 at everything! I am not sure if you have ever tried this, but It is HARD. No, it is impossible.  All the years I beat myself up trying to be perfect. I lost focus of myself and what is truly important.

I want to focus more on:

sharing:  ideas, thoughts, tips, recipes, teaching pointers. Anything that works. Instead of keeping it all to myself in hopes of attaining perfectionism, really forcing myself to get out there and share more with OTHERS. It feels great and is rewarding instead of keeping it all inside.  Plus I am so open to OTHERS sharing with me. I have learned so much and so many things just by letting down my gaurd. GUESS WHAT!? I do NOT know everything. I do not know a lot, but I am willing and excited to learn. So teach me!

acknowledging others for their hard work

Give credit where credit is due:

I have to thank my friend R for her amazing taste, choice and recommendations in books.  I recently joined a book club and suggested a book “Ready Player One” which “R” suggested to me at one point.  

The entire book club can NOT say enough about it. I made sure to give credit where credit was due. I would have loved to be the one to discover this awesome read, BUT My friend and her love and knowledge of books deserves all the credit in the world 🙂  She has such a knack for books. She really feels them and always finds neat reads that make me think and make me a little more open to change and different things (other wise I would stick with the same old thing)

Thank you from me and all the other bookworms that are enjoying it! AND thank you for expanding my horizons and getting out of my boring routine of the same ol’ types of books!

 

So I guess I want to end this by saying, I am letting go.  I want to let go of the thoughts of having the be perfect, #1 or the best. I want to give OTHERS the opportunity to shine and be the best at something. I feel like I have had my moments, and I am certain I will have more. Yet I need to realize that living life is much more important and trying to be the best at something that really no longer serves me.

Hope everyone is staying safe and dry!