Thankful For 2015

I am so proud of all my accomplishments in 2014

Most of all for:

• finally having the courage and strength to admit and work towards conquering my eating disorder
• telling my friends and family how I feel, even if it is uncomfortable
• telling my father how I feel
• being more open and honest with myself
• allowing myself to rest, relax and take it easy
• not beating myself up physically or mentally anymore
• getting myself into therapy
• letting go of anger
• apologizing when I need to
• accepting people how they are and realizing I can not change them
• loving my work but also loving my life. Separating the two
• working towards balance in all areas of my life
• letting the REAL me shine through, even if I may not like it

I am thankful for a New Year and a new me. I am excited to start a full year at a completely different level. I am a much different person today than I was last year, and I will continue to change, learn, and share new things and ideas.

Thankful

 

I am thankful for the lovely idea of starting a positive accomplishments, motivational jar for 2015!  Each time I feel good or have done something good (tried a new food, had a great date, ate something delicious, told someone exactly how I felt) I will write it down, fold it up and put it in my jar 🙂 I plan on glitzing up my jar a bit too, to make it extra special 🙂

 

 

Thankful

 

for falling in love again……….with reading!

Currently reading:

 

 

Thankful

for not being hung over 🙂

Thankful

Apple Pie Date Bars

I love apples. I love Dates (the fruit haha) These look so yummy!

Thankful

For wanting this:

Its for teens. I am a bit embarrassed that I want it , but Ill go over that 🙂   Its a little journal filled with things to do, write, silly, fun. Its all ME !

Thankful

9 Things to Accept Before You Can Love Unconditionally

I do have hope that one day I will have a wonderful, fulfilling and healthy relationship…..When I am ready<3

Thankful

Lists! Oh how I love my lists!  Here are 5 Reasons why they are so awesome!

 

Thankful

for being able to share my feelings. It feels GOOD to get things out in the open and stop hiding them or feeling ashamed

I am ashamed this morning. I feel something is WRONG with me. I am so hungry. I did not do much at all today or yesterday (activity wise), I relaxed, lounged, read, went for a walk……..This morning I feel like a bottom less pit. I am so hungry. I am freaking out. WHY am I so hungry? Am I going to ever feel full? Am I ever going to stop eating, or will be I 500 pounds soon.

Breathe.  Let it go.  As long as I am healthy and happy it does NOT matter what my weight is.  Do I feel good? Do I have energy? DO I feel happy? Eat. JUST EAT. Eat when you feel hungry. Maybe that will make ME enjoy life more. Fill that emptiness, eat, THEN tackle life

Your Turn

1.  What are you proud of that you accomplished in 2014?

2.  How did you ring in the New Year?
3.  Do you have any New Years Day plans today?

Wednesday wants

I want

a FJ cruiser
I have loved these for a while now. I am perfectly happy with my brand-new car however if I were to upgrade to an SUV this is what I would eventually want!

I want

to let go of the anger I have and make it positive. Instead of seeing people for their flaws, I need to start seeing people for the POSITIVE things they contribute to my life and others ❤
This is something I need to work on, but at least I am aware of it!

I want

the warm weather. I am so tired of feeling cold constantly!! I hate walking outside to take Lily to the bathroom, or to walk to my car, or go to a store, or go anywhere! I want sunshine and warmth!

I want

to admit I have major control issues.  I want to make sure now that I am not trying to control my food, I do not let this move to other areas of my life.  My head keeps making up all these silly/stupid RULES, this is my control. Its exhausting. Please stop!

When I can allow myself to un-guiltfully BREAK those silly rules, I will find my happiness

I want

my aunt and family to STOP making me special meals. I really appreciate it and I know you want everyone to be happy, but for my own healing, I need it to stop. Do not make anything specific for “Diana”, Diana will eat what she wants or does not want.

So, Aunt Irene , do NOT make me a baked potato on New Years Day.  If I want potatoes, I will eat the mashed potatoes, just like everyone else. If I don’t , I won’t 🙂 Simple! Less work for you!

I want

to let go of the fear of worrying that others will think I am a BAD teacher/person, if I get annoyed with kids. Truth is. Yes. Kids annoy me at times. Other times I love their company and presence. I am sure I am not the only one that feels this way. I am no longer going to hide it and pretend to be happy around kids ALL the time. It is unrealistic. At least for me anyway

I want

My parents to check out the Polar Bear Plunge TODAY in Myrtle Beach!

I think they’d get a kick out of it!

TAKE PLUNGE FOR CHARITY

The fifth annual “Ultimate Polar Bear Plunge for a Cure” will benefit the American Cancer Society. Details at 692-2011, or email lori.chilton@wyn.com.

Details | 2 p.m. (register noon-1:30 p.m.) at Oceanside at Wyndham SeaWatch Plantation, 151 SeaWatch Drive, off Kings Road, just north of Myrtle Beach, for donations of $10 for “Little Dipper” or $20 “Ultimate Plunger.”

I want

to meet my fathers NEWEST Pet addition to our family…………Lizard. I wonder what his/her name will be?

Lizzie? Leo?

I want

To try one of these fabulous Ball Drop Time Bombs!!

A local shop in Haddonfield is selling them!

Sweet T’s Bake Shop

I want

to show you my newest book (I love psychological Thrillers and Gillian Flynn!) and new bookmarks!
They are scented!! Super cute!!

Your Turn

1.  What is ONE goal you would like to accomplish in 2015?

2.  What are you happy to leave behind in 2014?

3.  What are you NYE Plans!?

Ten for Tuesday

1. Everyone has a story.

I have been paying attention to people more now that I am seeing things “clearer”. I’m very interested in others. What makes them happy, unique, excites them. So here are a few of the random and interesting (yet ordinary) people I met Monday and their “story”

Who I met Monday

At the social security office:  Pretty 30 something year old that was not thrilled to be there changing her name. She was pretty upset because she is an established publicist and everything is already in her maiden name she said “I’m too old for this stuff. ”  She mentioned everyone already KNOWS her and she has already made a name for herself….she was not at all the giddy 20 something year old I WAS when I first got married. I was sooooo excited to have my name changed. TODAY I was SOOOO Excited to have it changed BACK 🙂

Also at SS office:  Sweet security guard who at first gave me an attitude for not being quick enough (he called my name, I was trying to gather my things and he became impatient and was telling me to HURRY), Then immediately when he saw me and that I was not 80 years old and I can assume thought I was slightly attractive (I was wearing REAL clothes, not my sweats LOL) his outlook changed and he became apologetic, helpful and sweet 🙂   Hmmmm

Wawa:  She was wearing workout clothes, black tights, colorful sneaks, late 40s early 50s……She had a graspy smokers voice. She was making her coffee as I was getting my tea. She kept looking at me, finally she asked “Are you the girl that dated that famous baseball player?”

I looked around “Who, Me?!????  lol Nope, not I!”

I answered and gave a little smirk thinking that  it would have been nice to date someone famous (maybe not?) Then when I  was in line behind her she was paying for the coffee and the cashier asked her “So where do you work?” She responded casually ” I don’t have to work I’m married to a doctor”  She walked outside and got into her Escalade that she had left running

Beneficial Bank –The pleasant man at the bank and helped me change my name on my bank account he was very polite very helpful and he was very happy.  He wore his wedding ring and looked at it several times. Each time he looked at it he smiled. He seemed like a genuine, sweet man. To me, it seemed he may be a newlywed and missed his wife 🙂  I did not ask

Beneficial Bank  Part II –The overworked,” not enough help”,  “wish I had more hands” woman that had to reprint my bank card for me.  She was rushed, hurried and did not look me in the eye once. She wanted me in and out

2. Oats. Or mush

After watching “wild” you would think I’d be disgusted by oats because that is all she ate during her hiking adventure. Sure she got creative and mixed different things in with her oats : granola , nuts, beef jerky….. This got me thinking of MY OWN love of oats and made me think I could in fact possible do something similar. I would be the perfect candidate for this life changing adventure because….I would be perfectly happy eating oats every day! In fact. It may spark my interest to want to try new things after 100 days of …..oats

I will never . Ever. Tire of oats
Ever

3,  Dear Mom and Dad,

Please STOP calling me and putting me on speaker phone and speaking to me BOTH at the same time. I feel like my head is spinning each time you call. I miss just talking to my mom, she is constantly being interupted by the “interrupting chicken” my dad, over there in the background

4.  Star Wars

My cousins invited me over to watch the FIRST Star Wars movie with them. I admit, it is intense. So many characters, aliens, people, robots…….They all have names, and jobs and are someone later. Its confusing BUT it is GOOD. I am intrigued!  The characters and story line are great. I am going to give it a shot and read up on it.  LOL Wonder if the trekky fans will welcome me with open arms?

I had the opportunity to interview some of the Star Wars Pro’s at my cousins house.  Here is what I learned

Chase:  “Anakin is my favorite”  He also knows a deep secret that he refuses to tell me.

Tina:  “Obe Wan Kanobi is HOT”

Tony:  He seemed to be our GO TO for the answers (Well him and Chase) They know what is going on……In fact, Chase knows SO well that he had time to read his Minecraft book during the movie (lol)  ……the rest of us are still  learning. I am glad Tony explained the racing scene to me, because otherwise I would have been lost

Justin:  ” I like all the bad guys!”

5. Star Wars Convention

April 16- 19, 2015, Anaheim CA

LOL Family Trip????

6.  12 Rituals in 12 Days for a  Love and Prosperity filled NEW YEAR

I am totally doing ALL of these!!

7.  Fitting for the New Year

Detox Your Life

8. Why I’d Rather Be Single On New Years Eve

Its not so bad 🙂

9.  New Years Eve- YOGA

At the Art Museum 

I am actually considering doing this! Its indoors, warm, alcohol free AND I’d be home way before midnight (LOL)

10.  Anger

I can not control it. I wish I knew WHY I was angry with some people. I feel like I am doing everything possible to confront my anger with myself and with the other person, yet I still feel ………ANGRY

There must be something more to this……I know I will figure it out soon enough

I am irritated, annoyed, anxious, disgusted. I want those feelings to go away. I know I am the only one capable of making that happen, I just need to find a way to let go. Being angry with someone is making me take it out on myself. I am tired today physically AND mentally. I do not want to exercise at all. I am angry with myself for NOT wanting to….I wish I could just  be ok with things they way they are and stop beating myself up for not wanting to do things……

Your Turn

1.  Who did you meet today? What made them leave an impression? Something positive or negative?

2.  What anger can you let go of today?

3.  Are you making a new years resolution?

Un manic Monday Part I

Happy Un-Manic Monday

Part I

 

Well today is definitely UN-Manic for me because I am on winter break!! No School!! Weeeeeeeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeeee!  Just a little excited 🙂

Typically I get bored over long breaks but NOT this year. I am having fun exploring, trying new things, going new places and getting things accomplished! 🙂 I am loving life once again

 

Un-Manic

Carlo’s Bake Shop (Marlton)

I finally stopped in today! I was at Trader Joe’s and for ONCE there was not a crazy line outside, AND a parking spot, so I popped in, and am glad I did.
YUM, it smells incredible in there!! They have lovely cakes, cupcakes, cannoli, cookies, all sorts of sweets. I did not buy anything I just browsed, took a few pictures and grabbed a brochure. I will definitely order something for my next occasion!

 

(yes I look like a deer in the headlight. I am QUITE aware of that 🙂 )

Un-Manic

I finally did it! I changed my social security card, drivers license and bank accounts to my maiden name! It feels SO good. I feel like a new woman! (And the lines were not that bad!!)

 

Un-Manic

Update from North Myrtle Beach via Mom and Dad. Yesterday they were exhausted. .They ended up passing out pretty early. Quite honestly that is my FAVORITE thing to do in North Myrtle. Lounge around the condo and community. Not quite sure what it is, but I feel at peace and at ease there.

Tomorrow my dad is heading out on a charter boat to catch some fish in Calabash, NC 🙂 Good luck!

Un-Manic

The Beautiful American by Jeanne Mackin

I finished it this morning. It was a good read. I prefer a more of a pscyhological thriller but this story was …..beautiful. It follows the lives of two woman and their friendship. They cross paths many times in their lives. The both have gone through so much, and survived the terrible war and did not end up one of Hitler’s victims.  This story follows their lives from childhood to old age and everything in between.  Partially in Paris, partially in America. Its pretty neat how you can see and compare both lifestyles and cultures 🙂

I give it 3 out of 5 stars ❤

Next up:  The Orphan Train

and I am about 3/4 finished Miss Peregrines Home for Peculiar Children. I like it so far!! It is not what I expected at all!

Un-Manic

My Goal for 2015…

is NOT to set any goals. I just want to be more mindful. More present. More in tune with being happy and healthy physically and mentally.

I am tired of hearing everyone talk about restricting, losing weight, not eating this or that, eating ONLY this, eliminating things…………JUST LIFE YOUR LIFE. Try to make healthy choices for your mind and body ❤

 

 

Weekend UPdate and Week AHead 12.28.14

I had a fabulous weekend! I hope you did too!

I enjoyed everything I did this weekend, even if it were just for the experience alone

Friday

Alices Adventures In Wonderland (Trippy!)

Saturday

Hike at Smithville Park (beautiful Day!)

It was so much FUN gathering some fresh, organic eggs at my parents 🙂  It was even nicer dropping them off for Mike, Carla and the kiddos!

I also attempted to recreate Denise’s Lemon bars. I made them with coconut flour, almond flour and other goodies. They were good but NOTHING like Denise’s lol. Completely different all together. I like them but after having Denise’s, I can gaurentee that YOU would’nt  lol

These are what MINE look like

Denise’s………

*UPDATE* I just found out that Denise’s recipe is available and not a shhhhhhhhhhhh secret!   I thought it was!! 🙂

Sunday

• Run & Yoga
• take care of my parents animals! One of the chicken eggs had a HOLE in it 😦 I was so sad!
• movies with a friend!  I finally saw Wild and finally MET Steve!! He is such a sweet heart! ❤  Thank you for meeting me last minute! More importantly thank you for allowing me to do something spontaneous! I have difficulty with those things!

My thoughts on Wild

I really love Reese Witherspoon. I thought she did an excellent job in her role.  I loved how the movie showed certain parts of her life in little glimpses during her hike.  The hike was HARD. Phew.  I do not know if I would be able to do it. This is something I have always wanted to try, yet after seeing the movie, I do not know if I still have the desire.

I love how Cheryl decides to take control of her life and leave her down spiraling lifestyle currently filled with adultery, lies, sex and drugs. She sets out on a hike on the Pacific Crest Trail. It shows what strong of a person she is. She did so in pain, and in anger, yet she still did it and kept trekking on even when she was scared shitless, or hopeless, she found something in her to keep her going (her mother)

It was sad. It brought back a lot of my own childhood memories, it also made me see that NO matter how difficult anything is, like hiking the PCT, dealing with and accepting your feelings and emotions and accepting yourself JUST the way you are is even more grueling!

I feel like I can relate to Cheryl in this …..She finally found herself, just as I am finally finding myself……….minus the 100 day trek 🙂

Bottom Line:  (B)  I enjoyed the movie. It was very touching and emotional.  I was a bit disappointed (is that even the right word) because I thought she would face scarier challenges during the trip. He biggest challenges were not on the trail but in her life….those were deeper and darker.   I enjoy a more fast paced, psychological thriller.  This was a bit more laid back for my taste, but I still enjoyed it very much.

***From NOW ON I will buy all my hiking gear from REI.  Did you know that if you are ever stuck on a trail or need their assistance, they will send you a package to your next stop/location along your trail? Not sure that I will ever require those services, but I will be shopping there, JUST for the mere fact that they are so loyal to their customers!

Week Ahead

• I have some paper work to do 😦 I will be spending most of my Monday trying to switch my social security card, bank accounts and drivers license to my maiden name. Its about TIME, and it needs to be done! Long overdue!

• I have a walk and talk doggie date this week! 🙂
• I have a Star Wars date with my nephews and cousins. I am pretty excited!

Bullies.

All this reminiscing of childhood made me think of bullies.  Yes. I had them. I was bullied, and I have come to learn that MOST children are. It is so sad, because we know NOW that it is meaningless and the bullies had their own issues, but as a child it is difficult to comprehend this. Especially when all you want, is JUST to fit in.  So it made me think. Would you/Have you confronted an old bully? Student or teacher.

If you were bullied as a child and had the opportunity to confront your bully/ies today, would you? What would you say?  

I am kind of torn on this. Part of me would LOVE to tell the people how much they hurt me and aided in my low confidence and mistrust issues, but deep down, I know it was because I was not strong enough, I allowed them to get to me, I was an easy target.  However, it would feel good letting them know how much there words and actions affected me. The other part of me just wants to let it go. I am so much more confident, strong and happy now, that what does it matter.

Your Turn

1.  What do you think you would learn about yourself during a 100 day hike?

2.  If you were bullied as a child and had the opportunity to confront your bully/ies today, would you? What would you say?  

3.  What are your NYE plans!?

Saturday safes and saves

Safe

It is very safe to say you will not find me responding to any man that has the following pictures on his online dating profile….. Lol

1. “Not my child but look how good I am with kids!”

2.” I’m a good guy I pose with puppies”

3. “See! I cannnnn get hot girls!”

4. “I’m fierce. Worldly. I travel. I am fearless. I pose with tigers…”

5.” I am so cool!”

6. “First date: sushi”

7.” I’m too sexy for this….site!”

8. ” Look! I have friends”

(ok, so which one are YOU!?)

9. “Selfie + wifebeater = NO”

(I just find it such a turn off to see an iphone selfie in the pic!?  LOL)

Safe

 Hiking at Smithville Park.

Lily and I met some friends (about 50! ha) and hiked around Smithville Park. It is so beautiful there. I love the bridges and trees and paths! Very dog friendly. I will definitely go back!  The group was not quick enough for me. I prefer to keep moving. We took frequent stops, which was expected with such a large group. Overall is was fabulous, however a bit faster is more my speed. Absolutely BEAUTIFUL and perfect day for a hike!

Safe

Haddonfield First Night.

What a fun, family friendly way to ring in the New Year. I am considering going, IF it is not too cold. I absolutely HATE the cold!

Safe

Denise’s lemon bars were the HIT of the Christmas Dessert table! They were the first thing to go, and they went within minutes!! Brought back so many wonderful memories!  I am going to attempt to recreate them for myself today 🙂  Wish me luck (I’ll keep y’all posted!)

Save

This story breaks my heart. Its about a little boy with autism that was lost in Horry County, SC.  He was found yesterday, unfortunately not a good ending 😦

This just reminds me to focus on the importance of teaching my students NOT to wander away or wander off alone, ever. If I accomplish anything, it will be to make sure my students master this concept

Safe

Tide!

Its on sale this week at Shoprite for $7.99!
Wooo hooo

Save

I am supposed to do this tomorrow…..

wish me luck! Hahah

Your Turn

1.  What is something that is out of your comfort zone that you are going to attempt?

2.  Do you have any weird turn offs?

3.  What are your plans for NYE?

Friday Faves 12.26.14

Happy Happy Friday of Christmas Past!

Currently Feeling:  Happy

I was ALL smiles the moment I woke up today and kept that smile ALL day. The smile was from remembering little bits and pieces of yesterday (Christmas!) I kept thinking about how cute the kids were, how delicious the food was, how fun the games were, how fabulous my gifts were (loves those pj’s!)

My morning started with a coffee run to Wawa for THREE coffee’s. I got my parents a coffee and grabbed my mom then took her to get her rental car.  I set up their blue tooth (which they have already managed to disconnect) and they were on their way!

They should be arriving in Myrtle Beach shortly. I am so excited to see what they think (it is my dad’s FIRST time there!)

Next, I went for a run. Lily was tired from yesterday so I decided to let her rest. I felt good and wanted to run……but more importantly wanted to listen to my book 🙂

Currently reading

I am currently reading two books! Woaaaaaaaaaaah me!

I am listening to “The Beautiful American“. I really like it. It is different from my typical picks. Its about :

From Paris in the 1920s to London after the Blitz, two women find that a secret from their past reverberates through years of joy and sorrow….

As recovery from World War II begins, expat American Nora Tours travels from her home in southern France to London in search of her missing sixteen-year-old daughter. There, she unexpectedly meets up with an old acquaintance, famous model-turned-photographer Lee Miller. Neither has emerged from the war unscathed. Nora is racked with the fear that her efforts to survive under the Vichy regime may have cost her daughter’s life. Lee suffers from what she witnessed as a war correspondent photographing the liberation of the Nazi concentration camps.

Nora and Lee knew each other in the heady days of late 1920s Paris, when Nora was giddy with love for her childhood sweetheart, Lee became the celebrated mistress of the artist Man Ray, and Lee’s magnetic beauty drew them all into the glamorous lives of famous artists and their wealthy patrons. But Lee fails to realize that her friendship with Nora is even older, that it goes back to their days as children in Poughkeepsie, New York, when a devastating trauma marked Lee forever. Will Nora’s reunion with Lee give them a chance to forgive past betrayals…and break years of silence to forge a meaningful connection as women who have shared the best and the worst that life can offer?

A novel of freedom and frailty, desire and daring, The Beautiful American portrays the extraordinary relationship between two passionate, unconventional women.

Also, I am physcially reading, (yes that is right, a real book, I am reading!)
Miss Perigrine’s Home For Peculiar Children

A mysterious island. An abandoned orphanage. A strange collection of very curious photographs.

It all waits to be discovered in Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children, an unforgettable novel that mixes fiction and photography in a thrilling reading experience. As our story opens, a horrific family tragedy sets sixteen-year-old Jacob journeying to a remote island off the coast of Wales, where he discovers the crumbling ruins of Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. As Jacob explores its abandoned bedrooms and hallways, it becomes clear that the children were more than just peculiar. They may have been dangerous. They may have been quarantined on a deserted island for good reason. And somehow—impossible though it seems—they may still be alive.

A spine-tingling fantasy illustrated with haunting vintage photography, Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children will delight adults, teens, and anyone who relishes an adventure in the shadows

I am only on chapter 3 (which I have managed NOT to fall asleep during!) and I am really, really, really enjoying it!

I find myself getting excited for my next opportunity to READ!

Currently Experiencing:  “Artsy” play

I have only been to “traditional” plays. By traditional I mean, nothing crazy, nice costumes, props, scenery, etc. Today I went to my FIRST “artsy” play. I think that is the best word to describe it…..

I had always LOVED Alice In Wonderland as a child. I thought it was fun, exciting and I was able to use my imagination. Not to mention those little tea cakes looked soooooooo delicious!!  What I did not realize was how it could also been interpreted as a nice drug “trip”. Yikes. I saw quite some of that aspect during today’s play…..

Act 1

Oh. My. I am scared. It’s a black light production. It’s dark. White lights. I feel like like this was meant to be a “trippy” event.  It immediately  gives me terrible memories of things I’ve seen in the past. Brought back some old feelings…. Anyway……………. The black lights were REALLY neat but some characters really creeped me out!

First. The birds.

Omg. They scared me. They gawked around strange loud and awkward. If I were a child I would be in tears. It makes me think how scary MY OWN chicken impersonation must be ! (ha!)

The caterpillar

He was puffing on something, blowing out smoke as well as some deep words….in a creepy creepy voice (Think Homey the clown, remember “Homey don’t play that!”)

The Pig Baby

…..was a man. A real, full sized, man.  He was also breast feeding.  They staged it so that his head looked like the babies head.  It was hideous.  He wore black clothes and mother clutched a doll to her breast. The dolls head was the MANS head nuzzled in her breasts. Ew.  She was breastfeeding him. (The picture shows the baby body attached to his head, well picture THAT breast feeding…….yeah)

*I am a bit disturbed. I feel offended. Not quite sure why. They sounded as if they were mocking children with special needs, although I do not think that was the intent. I think I just work so closely in the field, had a brother on the spectrum and remember all the bullying students that were a little different received when I was in school.

The theater was packed with children. Not little ones,  but pre teens with their families. I hope they do not have night mares tonight! I hope I do not have night mares. (Lol) I have never experienced anything like this. I am forcing myself to stay through act two even though a HUGE  part of me wants to dart to my car…it’s safe there (the birds can’t get me!)

Act 2
I am happy I stayed. A few intriguing characters were introduced, they had BEAUTIFUL voices. There was one man who moved so gracefully, although he was playing a silly part (he had his hair in braids and was wearing a tutu) he still MOVED so gracefully! I could watch him for hours!   I started appreciating the play for WHAT it was, not for what I had expected. The artist was creative. He really came up with some great ideas. For example, when Alice was HUGE, he made her cry HUGE tears, these huge tears were Tennis Rackets! It looked so neat cascading down in the black light! ALl you could see was the “tear” shape of the racket 🙂

Also, the humor. There were several humorous and thought out parts! Very creative

Alice was  fabulous. She is a beautiful young girl. Very talented. I am not quite sure of her age, she was older, however fooled me into believing she was a 13 year old, right down to her footsteps in those black strapped Mary Janes. She just bounced and floated with such energy around the stage……..like a 13 year old would 🙂

They are all talented. For the purpose they are portraying. It is a weird, twisted talent.

Act 2 had some very talented songs where the actors were able to show off their beautiful voices, all amongst a chaotic “mad house”, literally.

It was very difficult for me at first. My emotions were everywhere. Scared, sickened, insulted, offended…….then I started to appreciate it.

I am happy I went!  It is one more thing I feel more “worldly” about!  I am excited to see what else is out there, out of my safe little bubble ❤

Currently Drinking

 I call it The Dirty Diana 

It is my special coffee combo! I love it!  3 parts Trader Joe’s regular roast to 1 part Archer Farms Candy Cane

mmmmm, pure blissful minty treat 🙂

 (I originally posted I did NOT like the candy cane coffee, HOWEVER, my new combination, The Dirty Diana, is absolutely PERFECT)

 Currently Thinking

When I should eat these fabulous Red Velvet cupcakes that Robin dropped off for me (So sweet!!!!)  What a special feeling to come home to after a crazy show……lol

 

 Lily and I already tasted some of the HOMEMADE buttercream frosting. Wow, talent. Your brother has NO idea what he is missing! 🙂  I do not think I am ready to eat a full cupcake yet, but I am going to try it……who knows. I may not be able to stop ❤

Currently Thinking

How lucky I am to have off this week. I am so happy to just relax, rest, explore, learn about myself (and others).  I am so thankful and grateful for this time off!

Currently Thinking

That I CAN read books and listen to them. I have found that reading during the day while sitting UP keeps me engaged!  I am enjoying holding a real book and reading it, it is great to walk around, cook, clean, etc and listen to my audio books as well, but when I really want to wind down and relax, a good old fashioned book is perfect!  I just have a hard time finding time to do that……I like things quick! I like things to move along!

How perfect was it that I was EARLY to my show today and right next door was this cute little book shop. Of course I wandered in and got lost for a good 30 minutes 🙂

Currently Thinking

This Philadelphia Christmas village was ……..a waste of time.  I am glad I went because it was so beautiful there, the decor, the people, the scents. However, the items and booths were the same as every other year, which I sort of expected. I guess I am a bit disappointed because I was not really looking for anything and I have been to so many craft fairs that nothing was new or original to me there.

I did however get a FABULOUS parking spot! (On a Friday night!)

(This was inside the little heated tent. It was all beautifully crafted german ornaments and items. I also got in “trouble” for taking a picture inside.  NO pictures allowed FYI)

These crepes smelled absolutely AMAZING

Nutella crepes. I am kind of kicking myself for not getting one, but I had red velvet cupcakes waiting for me at home!

Your Turn

1.  How are you spending the day after Christmas? relaxing, shopping, lounging?  Tell me!

2.  Have you ever been to an ecelectic or artsy play/show? Share your experience

3.  Will you be setting a new years resolution this yet?

Thankful Christmas Thursday

Merry Christmas everyone!

I hope you have a wonderful, relaxing, special holiday with family and friends today! I sure plan to!

 

This Christmas I have so much to be Thankful for.  Honestly, it is the first year I feel “real”.  I have been open about my eating issues, I have been open with how I feel, I have been more honest with myself and others. This is what I am MOST Thankful for this Christmas Thursday. I am finally able to tell people what is inside my head. I am finally able to tell people what I like and dislike. I am finally able to share my own opinions and not just agree with everyone to please them. I am finally able to accept others, although I may not agree with them, I can respect their choices and decisions. I am finally able to accept myself (still working on this!)

 

Thankful

Puppies and Pancakes!

Lily absolutely LOVE this.
First, she was like “Ummmmm, mom, I am NOT allowed to be at the table, GET ME DOWN!”

Then, it was “Are you sure this is OK mom?” (YES! Lily but JUST FOR TODAY, do NOT get used to this)

Lily “Wait, is this…….sausage? pancakes? Syrup?! Whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!”

“Gobble, gobble, faster, faster mommy may change her mind”

“Now its mommy’s turn, maybe she will drop something….”

“Presents? For me? I am allowed to rip something??!”

I can honestly say I have the BEST dog ever. I am so in love with this little hot dog! She has brought me so much love and happiness. I am so thankful for her ❤

 

 

Thankful

Tap into your passions again.

Remembering what activities and people make you feel fulfilled is a crucial step in regaining your sense of self in a deep way. Plus, you will feel happier, which will then help you regain your confidence.

I am thankful for FINALLY allowing myself to do this. I have planned some VERY nice things for myself over break. For example, a show (Alice in Wonderland) then meeting with a few people to view the city holiday lights.

Something so small, simple, yet something I would have never done before. I am not afraid of doing this alone. I am excited. I am excited to meet new people along the way . I am excited for life 🙂

Thankful

for NO longer being on my way towards a life of narcissism. I admit. As a people pleaser, I was right on my way. It was not out of spite, or wanting to hurt people. It was my own dissatisfaction with myself. I am THANKFUL for all I have learned this year and for the power of being able to turn myself away from ever becoming this:

A narcissist is someone who exaggerates his or her achievements or talents, requires constant admiration, has the inability to recognize the needs of others, changes his or her identity frequently, and uses people for his or her own gain. Being with one can tear at the very fiber of who you believe you are, and cause you at times, to behave like a shadow of the person you know you can be. In fact, if you have ever been in this situation, you know that they often make you out to be, “the crazy one.” They talk themselves into believing things and situations so much, that you start to question yourself, and your own sanity.

Thankful

that I was able to find the keys to the condo in Myrtle Beach! My parents are leaving tomorrow morning and I was slightly panicking because they were NOT where I thought they were…………..BUT I found them! PHEW!!!

 

Thankful

for my aunt and uncle for opening their home again and gathering our family together for MY best Christmas ever. This was truly the most carefree and enjoyable holiday yet. I can tell things are just getting better. It feels great to be real and alive 🙂

Aunt Irene did an amazing job with the cooking. The filet was perfect, the asparagus was perfectly crisp, her salad was one of the best I’ve had……just perfection. Not to mention the numerous appetizers!! I am so proud of her for trying my fritatta! She is not a fan of cheese but did it anyway!!

Their home looked absolutely breathtaking inside and out. The outside made it feel like a wintery wonderland, the inside……felt warm, cozy and safe ❤

Uncle Jim did a fabulous job playing the Christmas Carols. We had the traditional, some polish , some Family Feud (LOL).  Thank you both for making this such a wonderful and memorable holiday!

Thankful

for Carla and Mike (and the girls!)

Wow. I am speechless. Mike and Carla made each of us in the family a personalized burlap name frame for our homes.

They put so much thought into each one. They were really unique and individualized for each of us. Mine (above) distressed wood, sea shell, burlap, SO ME!

If you are interested in one, email me or Mike @ michaelbigaj@gmail.com

Their girls are absolutely amazing. I loved holding, playing, cuddling and spending time with L and E ❤

 

 

Carla also organized the FUN games (Family Feud) and made her famous/fabulous deviled eggs (this is on my to try list, eggs are just so unappealing to me, however I KNOW they will be good, just have to get over my phobia of how things look and actually taste them). How does she have the time and energy to do all this!?!

Family Feud (Men vs. woman)

Guess who won??????

YUP! Girls RULE, Boys DROOL!

Ooops! Retake, we forgot one of the “ladies” (Lily the pup)

 Their girls are lucky to have them. They are going to be one unique, creative and SMART family!  (Not to mention good looking, BUT thats a given )

Thankful

Tina and Tony

Tina ordered made wings and as usual outdid herself with all her yummy treats!

She look absolutely ADORABLE in her little elf pajamas!

I am so thankful for them both because they gave us these two love bugs 🙂

I learned about WHAT my cousin actually did at work (I’ve been dying to know, but always felt stupid asking) I was reminded of Tony’s love of vinegar (and ketchup, but HOW could anyone forget that)

I see what amazing parents and cousins they are ❤

Thankful

for the peace and quiet of my home

Merry Christmas to all and to all a

GOOD NIGHT!

 

Your Turn

1.  Tell me about your holiday?

Wednesday Wants 12.24.14

I want

to wish my father a Happy Birthday!!

I want

my parents to have an AMAZING time in Myrtle Beach!

I want

My parents to visit Brookgreen Gardens while in Myrtle beach! I think they would both really enjoy it there!

Click HERE To see how pretty it is!

I want

to attempt to make this Blackforest Cake/Torte over break!

Its always been my fathers favorite. Its a traditional polish favorite!

Are cherries even in season? Will I be able to get them somewhere?

I want

books to be FREE 🙂

I am sort of addicted to reading! I just finished Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn. I absolutely LOVED this book, which kind of scares me, because it was pretty creepy, dark and mentally challenging.  I liked this even MORE than Gone Girl!

Just a pretty little doll house…………

I want

to read Dark Places next.

I want

to admit that I absolutely LOVE the name Amma. Not Emma, Amma. From a recent book. I wish I did not like the name, but I do, however if I ever have a child. I do NOT think i will be using the name……..

I want

to enjoy the holiday but I also want them to be OVER with

I am so tired of reading, seeing things like “How NOT to overindulge on the holidays”, “How NOT to eat on the Holidays”,

Eat. eat. Eat. Food. Food. Food = Major anxiety 😦

I want

to enjoy my winter break and be happy and healthy (and want YOU to as well!)

I want

to try my handmade (from scratch) Sausauge, hashbrown fritatta on Christmas day!

 

handmade hashbrowns (phew, luckily my fingers are all still intact!)

 

Again, all ten fingers are……SAFE!

I want

to day dream about being on the beach ❤

I want

to say I am leaning towards NOT getting a new doggy right now 😦 After some thought, I just do not think its a great time

My heart is broken, but it is the RIGHT choice

I want

to get a smart tv so I can set up my netflix to stream through it………I have an old school tv, from 1980, which is big and boxy. I need a new TV!  I NEVER , EVER, EVER watch television, BUT it would be nice to have the option, PLUS I think there are tons of cooking shows and animal shows and maybe even movies, I might enjoy from time to time….<3

I want

to Thank Amy for this wonderful idea!
Gingerbread Playdoh! She was right. So much FUN to make, and I think the kids will LOVE having something different to play with on Christmas Day!

 

 

 

Tuesday Thoughts 12.23.14

1.  This is the BEST re-GIFT ever!

Seriously. I absolutely LOVE my gift this year! The deal is I have to keep in on my desk at school for the remainder of the year. My kids are going to LOVE this

FYI – You FEED the fish through the …………mouth!!  A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E!

2.  Tomorrow officially kicks off my winter break!

I am so excited! I can not wait to just get things done, try some new things, cook, see friends and family……..and who knows what else!  The week is mine

3.  Call Me Farmer “D”

Yes. I will be playing “farmer” for week while my parents go on vacation. I will be feeding chickens, pigeons, dogs, fish, frogs, and who knows what else………I will be baking making some fabulous egg dishes with those wonderful organic eggs. PLEASE let me know if you would like some, I can (and will) make special deliveries ❤

 

4. Terrible Thoughts Tuesday:  My battle with myself

Today was hard. My ED has been really trying to get at me. He has been telling me I am fat, lazy, unproductive, that no one will like me, that no one does like me, that I am just not good enough, thin enough, smart enough, etc.  This morning I did not see my bones poking through my hips and shoulders and I embarrassingly felt sad.  I missed that feeling. I miss the feeling of emptiness. That emptiness is what kept me going. It was my push, my motivation for some reason.  It is very difficult and uncomfortable for me WITHOUT it……I am filling the emptiness with FOOD and other things that are GOOD for me. I think now that I am FINALLY doing the right things for myself and my body, I feel like I do not deserve it.

I will get through this. Just another (Difficult) realization I need to accept, adapt to and grow with.

5.  Becoming clear

 

Too MUCH of this………….

Requires LOTS of this…………

Wow. Yesterday was very busy day. I am used to being busy, but my busyness is usually done by myself. Yesterday I was busy with others. Students, co workers, friends, family, store workers……I spoke to a lot of people, in person AND on the phone. Wow, did that exhaust me. I felt good doing it, I was happy, I truly enjoyed it, however today I felt run down. I think I need a day of peace with myself before I am ready to tackle that again

6.  When you think you have it bad……..

someone really does have it much worse. Just look at the newspaper, turn on the news, pick up a book.  The book I am currently reading portrays such a HORRIBLE life that a young girl suffered. Not only physical abuse but mental abuse as well. Its hard.  I encourage everyone to try to be their healthiest selves as the new year approaches. Let go of those people and things that are harmful to you.  Be good to yourself, be good to others. It is not possible ALL the time, but you can at least try.

7.  Judging

I have always feared being judged for what I ate, what I looked like, what I wore, what I did, etc. I NEVER wanted to be judged, yet found myself constantly judging others. I realize now it was only to make me feel better about myself. Its hard NOT to judge others, and I do not know if I can ever make that go away, but at least I will try my best to respect their views, whether I agree with them or not is another story, but I will be aware of judgmental feelings and try not to let them interfere.

8. Nervous

I am feeling very nervous and anxious about the holidays for MANY reasons. The unknown or unstructured is very difficult for me. I like my schedules. I like eating when I want in the comfort of my home, I like doing what I want, when I want, How I want. I like going places separate so I can leave if I need to……I am nervous. I get nervous that people will be watching me. That I will be forced or coerced into doing things OTHER want me to do (Try this pumpkin pie, eat this, try that….)  This fear for years has made me think I have been WRONG. That is WRONG for me to choose oatmeal over potato chips , that it is wrong for me to crave PB and toast instead of french fries. I have come a long way with my food habits. I try to eat healthy and try to stick with the foods that make me feel my BEST. I try to eat foods that my body needs, and are as natural as possible. Will I stray , of course? Do I enjoy it? Honestly, no, once I get through it I am ok, but once again it is the un-comfort.  It is out of my routine, my safety zone.

This constant state of trying to stay mindful and make the “right” choices all the time is what exhausts me. I just want things to come naturally to me.

 

Your Turn

1.  Ask yourself if you are too quick to judge others? Why do you think that is?

2.  What do you like most about family holidays?

3.  Are you dreading or fearful of anything that is upcoming? How will you deal with it?