The past year has been a time for growth, rebuilding and change for me. I have invested a lot of time in journal-ing, seeking my “purpose”, building relationships with myself and others and self/body love.
I came across an amazing program with journal entries, self love work and “homework” (weeeeeeeeee as a teacher, I give it, but I secretly CRAVE receiving it and doing it!) Interested? Check it out here
So my first assignment was to write a letter to myself from……..my body. How fitting, true and real. I let my vulnerabilities come out and figured what better way to grow than to share my insecurities and “shame” with my readers. This is what helps me spread my message, and grow!
So here it is.
From: My body
I have decided to write to you because I know how much you enjoy reading and feeling at the same time (I know this is how you learn best!) I am a little hurt because I have been trying for days, months, and YEARS to get through to you. Yet you avoid me and push me down and make me feel “wrong” and not important most of the time. So today, I am going to be blunt. I am going to get it all out there, because I feel you NEED to hear this………
I remember the good ol’ days. We used to have SO much fun together. We would run around, play games, and eat what we wanted when we wanted. I remember those delicious home made, right out of the oven chocolate chip cookies, occasional trips to McDonalds for our favorite (#2 meal! 2 cheeseburgers, fries, extra pickles, nom nom nom). Sunday morning pancakes (Blueberry were ok, but we know OUR favorite was the chocolate chip). Bike rides with friends to 711 for candy and soda. Grandmoms home made polish gnocchi
Pierogie eating contests with Uncle John.
Drinking hot cocoa with mini marshmallows and laughing so hard (that a marshmallow came out of my nose!)
Birthday parties with cake and ice cream (Better yet ICE CREAM CAKE, oh those delicious chocolately nuggets)
Moms famous nightly meals, we loved when our veggies mixed in with the mashed potatoes!
Mixing an almost empty peanut butter jar with chocolate syrup, we TRIED to recreate reeses peanut butter cups, BUT it was NOTHING in comparison, yet we still ate it
Friday nights were designated as PIZZA nights!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh yeah baby! Hopefully there was enough left for the next morning. What better way to spend time together than with COLD pizza and cartoons!!
Remember that time we were introduced to ball park hot dogs with french’s mustard? I think we ate them for about a week!
When my moms friend babysat us, we would get those delicious powdery snowflake rolls with either bologna and cheese or chicken roll and cheese!
You looked so silly with that white powder all of your lips! The hoagies at the end of Tina and mikes street in Philly…..although I think I really enjoyed the bread and oil dressing, since pretty much everything else came off! Donut s and fishing with dad (Boston cream!), homemade milkshakes, bagels with cream cheese.
We did not like EVERYTHING, but we KNEW what we liked and we knew when we wanted or needed it.
WHAT HAPPENED? I’ll tell you, since you try to avoid it.
We grew up. Pressure, school, friends, family. Things began to get out of control. We had an autistic brother, some family issues AND guess what, that all resorted to feelings of shame. You started to try to hide things and PRETEND everything was perfect. You kept it ALL inside. You started trying to please people to have them like you because that made YOU feel good. Yet something was still off. You were not getting the attention you wanted. Some people seemed to have it all. Great hair, great grades, great family, great clothes andddddddddd great bodies. Boys liked the girls that were thin and pretty. You started giving up on the sports your liked and enjoyed and started focusing on how to get noticed
Your “friend” (I’ll call her that loosely) challenged you to a new game. “let’s see if we can NOT eat all day, then save up our calories for one big meal at the end of the day”. Fun. Guess what?! You were GOOD at it!! In fact you were GREAT at it! You were never the best at soccer or running or school, so you FINALLY had something you were good at!
This is where you started ignoring me. You came up with these rules. You stopped listening to me and my voice. You hurt me by ignoring me and pretending I no longer existed and that I was WRONG.
You began to restrict. You began to come up with food rules. You began categorizing food as good and bad. You began exercising almost as insanely as you were eating.
YOU were getting noticed.
This went on for 20 years. It changed faces many ways, in fact, you had a lot of people fooled a lot of those years!! Yet those feelings and thoughts were always there and MOST importantly, I was absent. You ignored me and hurt me for all that time. Like I meant nothing to you.
Over those 20 years, you became obsessive about certain foods. One time, you ate cereal for EVERY meal, 3x per day, in a special bowl with a special spoon. Do you remember that? You even brought the special spoon and bowl to the Florida Keys on our family vacation.
Then it was pretzels. Pretzels became a habit and a MUST at every meal. You said you didn’t feel complete or content without them……..that’s only because you were missing out on so much, those pretzels were a temporary patch that made you feel better and comforted. It was easier to eat the same thing and be In control than to experiment, try new things and take care of yourself. This left you with plenty of time and opportunity to try and save “others”. You thought you were a failure at everything (except controlling your food) So you tried to focus on others. Making them happy, trying to fix their issues and problems, and you put ME and all of our issues aside, in fact, pretended they were not there
These “games” went on for years. Fat, no fat. Carbs, no carbs. Bagels for breakfast, chicken for dinner. We ordered the same boring things at restaurants EVERY time.
These habits became a part of you. You forgot ALL about me. You forgot what it felt like to trust me, your body. All those years of suppressing my needs, made you forgot how to do something that is supposed to be natural and part of life. You forgot and do NOT know how to eat. You do not know how to listen for those cues that I am giving you. You are numb with food AND with people.
So this is my final attempt to try and help you. I can see I am getting through to you finally, yet you still struggle and battle with me. I tell you I am hungry, and you challenge me that you MUST not be because you just ate. I tell you to eat more, and you question me. I tell you that something is good, you worry that you will NEVER stop eating it. I tell you I love you JUST as you are and no matter HOW you will be or look. You tell me that only being thin and “perfect” is good enough for you.
STOP. STOP STOP
Stop fighting me so that you can live your life again. Stop fighting me so that you can ENJOY life again. STOP Fighting me so you can free yourself at a time to do things you truly enjoy. Enjoy people and moments in your life.
Please let go of all those horrible controlling thoughts and rules you instilled. You do not have to follow them. You have the power to break free from them and FINALLY become that person you are. That person you WANT to be. That person OTHERS want and need. That person that will finally smile more and enjoy more of your day. That person that focuses on what she wants to do with her life and how she will change the world ❤
I love you , its about time you start loving yourself and me as well…….