when I did not love myself”
Last night I could not sleep. In fact, I have not been able to sleep well for quite some time. I wake up, sweating, irritable, restless. I eventually fall back asleep, but this is not a great sleep.
Avoidance is a big part of my life. If I don’t think about it, it is NOT there, right? Wrong.
Something has been bothering me a lot. The way I ended things with a boyfriend over a year ago. Let me tell you our story.
We met, and he was the perfect guy.We took things slow, we were friends first. I was excited to see him. I was excited to look nice. I was excited to make someone ELSE happy. I was happy and excited for all the wrong reasons, because, inside I hated myself more than ever. I did not dress up for me, I dress up for others. I was not excited because I was happy, I was excited because I was making someone else happy.
Now, don’t get me wrong. It is important in any relationship to give and take. Of course, I need to make sacrifices for the other person. Accept them just the way they are. However, when you can not do this for your own self, it becomes a problem.
I lost myself. Completely.
I was in a daze. I could not see things clearly. I was a robot. I did what I thought I should do. I did what I thought would make others happy. I did what I thought the right thing was. I did things I was uncomfortable with. I LOST myself once again.
I hated myself, I starved myself, I restricted. I would not allow myself certain foods. I forced myself to wake up at 4:30 and run. I beat myself up when I didnt “beat myself” up enough.
I hated myself while you accepted me and loved me.
We had an amazing year. I slowly began to start realizing that I was unhealthy and that I needed to change, but I did not exactly know how.
For the first time, I found someone that was accepting me, for all my crazy ways. I felt comfortable. I felt happy at times. I felt safe. I have not felt these things in quite some time. THANK YOU.
I felt I did not deserve this. I felt like something MUST be wrong with him, if he would like ME. I pushed away love. I did it because I was scared and because I was not ready to face my eating disorder.
You tried so hard, while all I could think about was FOOD. “When will be the next time I eat, what will I eat, how many calories/fat are in that? When will I run? How many calories will I burn?”
I was in love too. With ED , my eating disorder. I cheated you. I was not ready to let you love me, because I did not love myself. I thought I did, I pretended I did. I faked it , well at times. Deep down, I never felt worthy or good enough.
I do now. In the past year and a half I have grown so much. I have accepted so much and I have started on my way to a healthy mind and body. I want it ALL. I want to love myself and I want to be loved. I also want to give someone else the love I have inside, in a healthy way.
In the past, I have NEVER been able to love myself AND someone else. It was just too much, it had to be ONE or the OTHER. In my experiences, I always chose to love the OTHER person. I never realized that I could do BOTH.
I can love myself and love someone else. Balance. Acceptance. Love.
I hated that you worked so much yet you always told me if we had a family you would slow down. You never insisted I come to see you yet the opportunity was always there if I wanted to. at the time I did not realize that this is how a relationship should be . it was about trust and independence. to me all I ever had was all or nothing. either I spent 24 hours with someone or nothing. We were healthy. I just wasn’t
I ended things abruptly. “Ed” made me crazy. He made me angry, irritable, numb and cold. He made me feel I was not good enough for the world. I needed to end things because YOU deserved better at the time. I was not ready to give you the love you needed and deserved, because I had none for myself. I do not think you saw this or realized it, or could see it, because you had not experienced it yourself.
I ended things the only way I could . I thought (and still think) it was best. Otherwise, I would have been swayed and pulled and created a terrible and painful back and forth relationship. Forcing myself to be involved in something I was NOT ready for. Maybe it was selfish, but in the end I think it was the right choice. I had to do it this way. I never was able to tell you. I had to walk away.
I was NOT able to express myself. The words twisted in my head, and on my tongue. The NEVER sounded the way I felt or intended, and then I ended up in a great big ball of confusion. I fooled myself
I thought you DIDN’T love me, or care about it. I persuaded myself that THIS was the case. Yet, it was ME that was the problem. I did not love myself, so I forced myself to believe that NO ONE else could either. I am not in your head and I do not know how you truly felt, but your actions proved other wise to me. You made me feel safe. You accepted me. You made me smile. You challenged me. You sacrificed for me. You were the ONE relationship I was in that was healthier, but I just was not ready.
The last thing you said to me was ” you know how you asked me if SHE was the love of my life? Well no. I think you were”. I didn’t believe you because I could not believe anyone would love ME. Did you really mean that?
You asked me if my feelings changed about you. I said “yes” because I didn’t know what else to say. But no. They didn’t. They were changing about me. You were amazing. I needed fixing and to be found. I didn’t want to give you that burden.
I know you have moved on, and this isn’t a ploy to get you “back”. I truly want you to be happy. You deserve it. You deserve to be loved the way you are capable of loving. I will be happy for YOU as long as you are happy.
I just wanted to thank you and hope to one day have the opportunity to tell you all the things I never told you because I could just not get the words out. It was easier to run, avoid and forget. Thank you for showing me that I can be loved. Thank you for showing me that there ARE people out there that I can connect with. Thank you for helping me more that I think you will ever know.